I fell down the rabbit hole. In my process of grieving, I turned I’m ok, into a lie even I believed. It’s not that I’m not ok, but I am very far away from being ok. Yet, I started believing the lie that I was fine, I repeated it so many times, whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, I would automatically smile and say with confidence and conviction that even I believed it, that I am ok, doing great.
Telling people that I was ok, seemed to easy them. To make them happy. Sometimes thats all I really wanted, was to be happy, and show everyone it is ok, fine and even great to be happy around me. That it is a good thing for everyone to talk and the conversation to not be tainted with saddness just because I am there, and some how just telling people I was ok, made it happen. To the point people stopped asking how I was. They fully allowed themselves to be them, around me. Without the side stepping, the avoiding questions, the not mentioning certain things, the keeping conversations quick and not really meaningful. I bought into my own lie along the way though.
I dont know when it happened. All I know is that it happened.
Ryker is still in my thoughts everyday, I still hold and cuddle his urn every evening before I go to bed, I still havent changed his room. I came out of my rabbit hole, picked myself up, and have started wondering how I fell. I don’t recall when I fell, I only know that I have seen through facade I have built. The masquerade has been slain and put to rest.
No one pitied me anymore, no one pities me now. Thats all I could ever ask for. I never wanted the pity, the saddness, or even the sorrys. I want and need people to be themselves. But how can I ask that of them, when even I could so easily fall into my deception?