Another Birthday Gone.

As of last week I had another birthday. I became another year older, and yet I am still very young, a mere 23, but I feel like I am much older. I have gone through things that no one should have to go though, let alone a 23 year old. Who has a stillbirth so young? When you hear someone has a stillbirth you think that they are older, people who aren’t in their ‘prime’.

But here I am, a 23 year old childless mother. A childless mother who is now struggling to conceive again. Another thing to add on to my ‘but I’m only 23’ list, fertility, or in my case struggling with fertility. Sometimes I wish life would just cut me a break, I don’t mind the struggles I have, as my Dad says it builds character, but sometimes I just want something to go my way.

At least this year I wasn’t dreading my birthday, I actually forgot it was around the corner, and then bam, it was here. I had no time to be sad or happy, all I could do was be focused on cooking food at work and being completely smashed by customers. I didn’t even get a second to light my ‘Ryker candle’ (a candle we light on special occasions), however Facebook did remind me that I had our first major ultrasound of Ryker on my birthday.

How can life just be so ‘blah’ on a day I used to look forward to so much?


5 thoughts on “Another Birthday Gone.

  1. Dneika-

    Age is a strange thing. Not old or young or in between just the concept of “age” period. On some level I believe we are ageless. As to wisdom and it’s relation to age there is a snag. Anne Frank seemed very wise for any age. Yet she had been on this earth for such a short time. I know lots of people my age (63) and older. Some seem as if they have been paying attention. Others not so much. They remain as stupid and clueless as the day they were born. Alas living long does not help you become wise. And at this point I am not certain the act of gaining wisdom is the reason for our being in here the first place. But that’s a whole other paragraph.

    I understand that trials and tribulations in our lives can be great teaching, and therefore learning, opportunities. But after much examination I must say “pain” ,in any form, as a teacher, leaves much to be desired. I am not a lazy person but I’d just as soon have found other ways to acquire what damn little wisdom I might possess at this stage of the game. Couldn’t I just have reviewed the test questions and then used the study guide to prepare for the “bad times” test that was coming at the end of the semester?

    Ultimately I believe true wisdom is tempered with empathy and love for others. This is the absolute hardest thing for me to learn. I doubt I will ever learn it. Damn. Where’s the study guide?

    You are persevering. You are doing your best to get along in your life. Keep doing that. I might have said this before but I will say it again. When Samuel died so many years ago I built an altar in my heart to him. Sometimes I sit beside it every day. Sometimes I miss days on end. I try to take nothing negative with me when I go there. Negativity is the opposite of what a spiritual shrine represents. I do not think about what might have been, though there has always been a temptation to do so.

    I just try to be. In such moments there is no time, no age, no measurement of the passage of anything. I am just there. I love Samuel. Yes I wish he had stayed with us.
    I will never understand why things turned out the way they did.

    But it somehow doesn’t matter. To search for answers as to why bad things happen in anyone’s life can be make you crazy. Absolutely stark raving. So we live and and keep on.

    God bless you.
    Keep going.
    Take care.


    Liked by 1 person

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