What Can’t Scare Me Anymore.

I sit and wonder about  my life today, its not what I expected, heck, its nothing I would have ever dreamed. At the tender age of 22, I can say I’ve gone through heart ache that some will never understand or even comprehend, and I still managed to come out intact.  I’m no where near hole, but I am alive. I’ve been through hell and back, let’s be honest life can literally never get worse for me. I’ve had to bury a baby, not a child, a new born baby. I go through everyday and most likely everyday to come, wondering. Who my son would have turned out to be, I have become so jaded for a person who should still be enjoying their youth.

I have lost any faith I ever had, I have lost friends and family, and most importantly I have lost my former self. I am a completely different person, and I will never be the old me. Yes I have lost a lot, and I honestly can not say I have gained anything; except strength. 

I am the strongest person I have ever been. I can stare my fears in the face and proudly say ‘You don’t scare me anymore.’ Because it now takes a lot to make me run and hide. If the experience of losing Ryker has taught me much, its I know what I am scared of; its not my death, its no longer snails (I have been petrified of snails forever, a childhood fear that never left me), I am not afraid to lose myself, and I am not afraid of losing everyone and being alone. Its not even the death of another child, I know I can handle that now.

What I am afraid of is losing my strength. Because once I lose that, I won’t be able to fight anymore. I won’t be able to smile, or even enjoy the simple life I have created for myself now. And then everything I have fought for would have been for nought.

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3 thoughts on “What Can’t Scare Me Anymore.

  1. Glad to hear your strong words….and I still add the years up for my little girls every now and then…wondering where and who they would be….its something we do for our little angels….and nothing wrong with that….and in my opinion anyone who didn’t stand with you through this isn’t worth having as a friend….and you are right about one thing….you are no longer who you were…Ryder has made you a stronger, better person…even though you had to go through hell to get there….I really enjoy the quotes…some really touch my soul…..xxxkat

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dneika-
    You are right to wonder. We should all wonder about our lives, who we are, where we have come from, where we are going. I am sorry that it includes such intense feelings of loss. You sound older than your years for certain. And this “maturity”, for lack of a better description, is hard won. You did not ask for the loss of Ryker. Remember who you are. A young woman who has lost a child most dear, who has found the strength within to carry on. You have chosen to continue your journey in this life. The fact that you have done this gives me courage to continue mine.

    These are not cliches or empty words I offer. To lose a child breaks the heart beyond that which words can even begin to describe. Only those who have experienced it can even begin to understand the sad path so many will walk. Strangers, we nod to one another as we pass recognizing, in a place without words within our hearts, the other. Knowing that the other knows
    what it feels like.

    But I say this as just a father who lost a child. As deeply as I was torn by it I realized I could not begin to imagine what my wife was going through. I could only try to comfort her in some small way. You are very strong.

    I came across something about being strong. A quote. “No one thinks to ask the strong ones ‘Are you okay?’ I hope you are okay.

    I wish for you hope and encourage you to keep living your life as full as you can. It seems you have. No one really knows what the future holds for any of us. Some people pretend they know, they say all you really need is the right map to navigate through life. I wish I knew where those maps are kept. Until such a map is found we must all just keep on the best we can.

    Thoughts and prayers to you.
    Keep on.

    Jeff

    Liked by 1 person

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