I sit and wonder about my life today, its not what I expected, heck, its nothing I would have ever dreamed. At the tender age of 22, I can say I’ve gone through heart ache that some will never understand or even comprehend, and I still managed to come out intact. I’m no where near hole, but I am alive. I’ve been through hell and back, let’s be honest life can literally never get worse for me. I’ve had to bury a baby, not a child, a new born baby. I go through everyday and most likely everyday to come, wondering. Who my son would have turned out to be, I have become so jaded for a person who should still be enjoying their youth.
I have lost any faith I ever had, I have lost friends and family, and most importantly I have lost my former self. I am a completely different person, and I will never be the old me. Yes I have lost a lot, and I honestly can not say I have gained anything; except strength.
I am the strongest person I have ever been. I can stare my fears in the face and proudly say ‘You don’t scare me anymore.’ Because it now takes a lot to make me run and hide. If the experience of losing Ryker has taught me much, its I know what I am scared of; its not my death, its no longer snails (I have been petrified of snails forever, a childhood fear that never left me), I am not afraid to lose myself, and I am not afraid of losing everyone and being alone. Its not even the death of another child, I know I can handle that now.
What I am afraid of is losing my strength. Because once I lose that, I won’t be able to fight anymore. I won’t be able to smile, or even enjoy the simple life I have created for myself now. And then everything I have fought for would have been for nought.