So Tim and I have decided to leave Ryker’s ashes at home, when we go on holiday to Queensland. It’s not that we don’t want to take Ryker it’s that I think we need a holiday to ourselves to reconnect with one another. We need to figure out how our relationship works now, and not how it survives. Because really that is all we are doing lately, surving. So I am going to think of this holiday as a ‘parents get away’, I know Ryker’s ashes will be well looked after when we are gone, and I know this isn’t leaving him behind, this is finding our relationship with out him.
I don’t know why that sounds so horrible, maybe its because I am so close to the situation that having a life and relationship without Ryker sounds like I am moving on, believe me I know we aren’t, and that we are just finding a way to live with how life, just is now. I gave myself all of last year to, I’m going to say be miserable. This year I can’t just survive. We can’t just survive, we need to start living healthy again, we need to be more social again, we can’t just keep to ourselves because we don’t want to hurt others feelings or we are scared its our feelings that will be hurt, because hiding away and avoiding life, isn’t who I was before, and I need to be me. And I can’t let being a angel mum define who I am anymore, it’s only a part of me. I need to stop, just being that woman who cringes away from everyone because they have babies. It’s stopping my life in more ways I ever thought possible.
So let me introduce you to me, the woman I was proud to call Dneika. The Dneika who doesn’t hide from others, who doesn’t shy away from peoples opinions because they hurt me, but try to embrace them, to see the world from their perspective. The woman who has a child, even if he isn’t here, who isn’t afraid to say his name to strangers. This lady, no body would ever call a lady, because I am too outspoken and act like too much of a man, that likes beer, and would rather go to a pub than any night club, the woman who HATES to go dancing. This person who would rather read a book in the bath than watch T.V.
And these are only bits of me, these are bits of me I feel like I have put away, because I feel like I shouldn’t enjoy life without my son. But I am some one who will admit when they are wrong, and I am wrong. I can live without my son, no matter how hard that is, no matter how much I want to go a curl up and cry. No more. I will, Tim will and we will live our lives again, and we can’t delay anymore.
Yes we will still have bad days. Yes some days will be harder than others, but being cooped up because we feel people will judge us and say we are moving on too fast, is wrong, and all I have to say to them is; mind your own business. Yes I know I have suffered a great loss, yes I know you think I should act like my life is over, but its not. I am still me, and this might be selfish of me, but thats what my life and my partners life need right now, for us to be selfish for one another. So if you tell me other wise, I won’t apologize for being rude.