Everyone Else Celebrates

A new year. Really, just another year. Nothing new, same shit, different day. I tried to be positive, I tried to be happy that 2015 is over, and I am, I’m just not glad that 2016 has started. I thought i would, i don’t know, feel so e kind of relief that 2015 is over, that that crap year is finally in the ‘past’. But i don’t. I feel exactly the same, no different to what i felt only yesterday. I guess I keep putting my expectations higher than they should be, or at least make the them more realistic.

I guess thats better than how I have been feeling numb lately,  with all the celebrations that have been happening this last month. I believe I’ve more or less made my self feel nothing, its easier than feeling every other pain, devastation and heart ache, while everyone else celebrates what is meant to be the festive season. But just remember my life isn’t only just sadness and gloom. It is sometimes happy, delightful moments. They may only be moments of pure enjoyment, but they are moments that keep me going through these confusing and fucked up times.

So how do you be glad that one year is gone, but also terribly miserable that another year has arrived. Completely conflicting feelings, on one hand a terrible year is over, and on the other I am now nearly one year further from my beautiful son, one more milestone that I’ve gone through without him. So even though I may be sad, I’m just a little happy at the same time.

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2 thoughts on “Everyone Else Celebrates

  1. I write my feelings, wants, needs, everything… Then I burn it. I watch the flames consume it all, then the wind carries the ashes away. It helps a little at first, that initial cathartic release. Over time I am able to let things go and feel again. {Hugs}

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  2. Good Morning….this year, whether you call it new or a continuum of life is what you will make of it….I realize your still grieving and the pain is raw and real….but my friend…its up to you what you make of the year to come….you can start to heal, believe me you will never forget Ryker, ever… but you must pick it up and move it on….you can not dwell on the what ifs and why not’s of life…well you can, but you will remain in the same space you have been in for months……trust me I am not preaching to you, just sharing my lives experience…I have lost twins girls, I thought my heart was going to break in two, I had just lost my father a few months before that and my heart did break in two…..it helped me to think my twins were in his arms being loved and rocked waiting for me some day…..then I lost my brother, sister, mother…..seems the list is endless of the people in my life that have left me and I loved them with all that I am….I still have bad days myself, full of sadness, grief and tears, but I get back at life…I choose to smile and enjoy my life to the fullest with who I have left in it….as I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks for you….my wish for you is, that you will have a good year ahead, don’t forget your precious angel, you never will, but its okay to smile and let your heart feel again….trust me sister when I say, there will be more heartaches before this life is over, but those that have caused the heartaches do not want you to give up on your own life…..for them you must remain engaged in life to its fullest, for them……they would want that for you….please know I think you often and wish I could give you a warm embrace…..take care my friend and smile more often, touch the beauty of life and let Ryker see his mom as the beautiful alive spirit that she is……Namaste….kat

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