A new year. Really, just another year. Nothing new, same shit, different day. I tried to be positive, I tried to be happy that 2015 is over, and I am, I’m just not glad that 2016 has started. I thought i would, i don’t know, feel so e kind of relief that 2015 is over, that that crap year is finally in the ‘past’. But i don’t. I feel exactly the same, no different to what i felt only yesterday. I guess I keep putting my expectations higher than they should be, or at least make the them more realistic.
I guess thats better than how I have been feeling numb lately, with all the celebrations that have been happening this last month. I believe I’ve more or less made my self feel nothing, its easier than feeling every other pain, devastation and heart ache, while everyone else celebrates what is meant to be the festive season. But just remember my life isn’t only just sadness and gloom. It is sometimes happy, delightful moments. They may only be moments of pure enjoyment, but they are moments that keep me going through these confusing and fucked up times.
So how do you be glad that one year is gone, but also terribly miserable that another year has arrived. Completely conflicting feelings, on one hand a terrible year is over, and on the other I am now nearly one year further from my beautiful son, one more milestone that I’ve gone through without him. So even though I may be sad, I’m just a little happy at the same time.