Learning To Love Me Again

Right now, I don’t love myself completely. I hate myself actually. I am not happy with who I am anymore. I used to be completely happy with myself, but as life moves on, the person who I am right now is numb. And that’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Numb from all the pain, I need the pain to make sure Ryker was real. Numb from fear, I used to fear death, now I welcome it, that’s not a healthy way to live. Numb from happiness, I notice the happiness in my life, I know its there, but I don’t feel the happiness. Numb from love, I love my partner, but I am on about self love, I have completely lost it.

So its time I start to be happy with myself, love myself. Its a hard thing for me to admit, I don’t love myself. But I need too. I don’t want to have a family where all they learn from me is self hate. And what better time to fix that problem?

Ryker’s death changed me, and this is one change I need to fix.

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7 thoughts on “Learning To Love Me Again

  1. I totally get that, ( I understand) and can honestly say that I feel much the same way, when Pauline (my wife) died, a very big part of me died as well, I do not like who I am now, heck I am not sure I even know who I am anymore, I force a smile, I hug our son, I let him know every day and night that I love him.. but… I do not love myself, I can hardly look in the mirror, I do not like the person looking back at me at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And yet life keeps moving on. And we learn to live with the fact that we don’t like our selves. Most days I’ll try and convince myself that I’m not a horrible person, but I still don’t like myself, no matter how hard I try too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • yes life does keep moving on , I used to be in such control of my life, I knew who I was, I knew where I was going, and I knew who I was going to spend my entire life with, I actually at one point did like myself, now… I am just along for the ride in this life , and I can not stand myself anymore. I wish I had the right words to take your hurt away, I wish I knew what to say to help you like yourself, I wish I could tell you that life will be okay… but I can not do any of that, just one day at a time is all I can tell you , just know you are not alone in the way you think and feel.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello my friend….I am so happy to read this post….your scratching your head saying WTF…..but its a really good read and to me it means your healing….Ryker would not want you to be unhappy and changed from his death…..I know, I know that there is no other way to be after a loss, but I am sure, no I know that he would want his mummie to be the happy, and feel love again…..trust me you will never loose the love you feel for him, there is no need to feel numb to make sure you won’t forget….trust me my friend you will never forget him….try it….let the love back in, you will see his memory is still there, and it will be surrounded with warmth and love instead of cold and pain…I feel for you…..XX kat

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