The Blame Game

Tim and I aren’t the perfect couple; we fight, we annoy one another, we pick each others flaws out and sometimes I just annoy him because I want to fight or make him as frustrated as I am at the world. Don’t get me wrong I love the idiot, but sometimes I just need time away. Not because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him but because I need time to IMG_7407.JPGbreathe and remember Ryker and not feel guilty.

That’s one of the grieving stages I have either completely miss(hopefully) or has yet to come: The blaming stage. I don’t blame Tim at all for anything that happens, its quite the opposite. I feel guilty and sometimes blame myself for Tim being so miserable some days. I should be the better person and not take my frustration out on him when I’m having a bad day at work. I should take my anger out on him when he does something that makes me agitated. And maybe, just maybe I shouldn’t feel so guilty that Ryker died and I didn’t, because that would have been a pain that Tim would be able to live with. That pain would be more bearable then the pain of losing a child in stillbirth.11209691_10152985530378922_3475181732390343217_n

I don’t think Tim has ever blamed me for Ryker’s death, well not that he has told me. But I guess I could understand if he did at one point. I mean I know its no way my fault but I still blame myself some days, so why wouldn’t he think it at one stage?

I guess this is a topic within a topic that no one talks about. How the partner gets treated after a stillbirth by the mother. Its not all peachy that’s for sure. I wouldn’t put up half the shit that Tim puts up with. I am most of the time a moody cow, who has guilt ridding in her shoulders. And yet Tim’s mental health after Ryker’s death I think is a lot worse off than mine.

You see Tim keeps it to him self. He wants to shoulder everything so nothing touches me. His had to deal with depression, anxiety and sleep deprivation in the last 10 months and still carries on.

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In a lot of ways, Tim is my rock, and sometimes his my shoulder to cry on and sometimes his my pin cushion that takes my frustration, and other times he is partner in crime, but he always has our best interest at heart.

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7 thoughts on “The Blame Game

  1. You are so fortuate enough to have Tim, to support and take that brunt of your emotions. There’s no right or wrong person, place, event to blame. Even if you blame yourself, it’s part of the process. It’s hard to stay strong and not feel guilty. We are human. Despite it all, we still have the capacity to continue to love despite the circumstances. ❤

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    • Believe me I know I’m extremely lucky to have Tim, sometimes I think I take it for granted and forget how difficult my life would be now after Ryker passed. I hear how others bottle it up because their partner doesn’t want anything to do with anything.

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      • Grief affects us all differently. Some are bottlers, some are emotionally charged and some are talkers. There is no right or wrong, but when you bottle it up for fear of upsetting your partner, that’s when it’s wrong. I do hope you and Tim are able to conceive again 💗

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  2. I completely agree grief affects everyone differently and we have both healing in our own ways. Tim talks to everyone but me, and I talk to only my sister and mother and blog. That’s how we both communicate and unfortunately its not always with one another.

    I’m hoping this month is the month we conceive, I’m doing all the ovulation home testing and counting days. But the more I get my hopes up, the more I tend to get disappointed. ❤

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  3. Blame. I hate blame. Sometimes there is only LIFE. Would it help if we held the universe responsible for all the shit that happens? Maybe. But probably not. My wife and I never blamed each other for our son’s death. If anything we sat in the private, lonely, bleak, cells inside our heads and blamed ourselves. But we did everything right. All the medical stuff. Even did a Lamaze class at a local synagogue. We aren’t jewish but they offered it and we wanted to be ready.

    I don’t like the stages of grief. If I miss one I want to go back and do that one. But we are all different like it or not. Yet we share a massive humanity. So the differences may be discounted.

    You describe a fairly normal relationship situation I think. I pray for both of you. You are struggling. I suppose if you were not then you might be cold and uncaring. But you pay the price for caring so much. Yet it is better than not caring about his loss.

    Karma is overrated as well. The idea that we get what we give. By this I mean to say I find it hard to believe that anyone who loses a child is being punished for some transgression. Yet how inadequate it is to say only that shit happens.

    So it is a dark mystery. Yet as much a part of being human as love. Cut each other some slack.
    Fall back on love. Have I mentioned that my wife and I are artists? Big deal. But the language of creativity addresses the indiscernable meaning of some events in our lives. The bad things. The good things. Art can be its own language.The language of a country found only on the map of our souls. But it is our country. We must explore it.

    Take care.
    Thoughts and prayers.

    Jeff
    Phoenix

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  4. Thanks Jeff, I believe I create art in my own way being a chef, and a lot of the time the food I create reflects how my life is. If I’m having a good day, my food is usually bright and flowing, or if its a bad day its plated with mystery and simplicity.

    Blaming others is something I don’t do, but to blame everything on the universe would be a nice change sometimes 😉

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  5. There is no blame to be placed on anyone…it happened, nothing you could of done to stop it, nothing you even knew about….like so many things that happen in life that ends in loss, it just does and there is nothing we can do to change any of that….the loss of my sister, she dropped dead from her wind pipe collapsing…..no matter how much I felt like I could of saved her if I had been there, I couldn’t of….I spoke to several MD’s and all told me the same, no matter what, even if they were there they couldn’t of saved here either….another one of those classified as, it is what it is no matter what anyone would of done….I believe it was time for her to help from heaven….she was needed to support us from there, and let me tell you, she has…like Ryker, she is an angel helping those of us left here to deal with the pain of loss…..I really do feel your pain…..kat.

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