Tim and I aren’t the perfect couple; we fight, we annoy one another, we pick each others flaws out and sometimes I just annoy him because I want to fight or make him as frustrated as I am at the world. Don’t get me wrong I love the idiot, but sometimes I just need time away. Not because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him but because I need time to breathe and remember Ryker and not feel guilty.
That’s one of the grieving stages I have either completely miss(hopefully) or has yet to come: The blaming stage. I don’t blame Tim at all for anything that happens, its quite the opposite. I feel guilty and sometimes blame myself for Tim being so miserable some days. I should be the better person and not take my frustration out on him when I’m having a bad day at work. I should take my anger out on him when he does something that makes me agitated. And maybe, just maybe I shouldn’t feel so guilty that Ryker died and I didn’t, because that would have been a pain that Tim would be able to live with. That pain would be more bearable then the pain of losing a child in stillbirth.
I don’t think Tim has ever blamed me for Ryker’s death, well not that he has told me. But I guess I could understand if he did at one point. I mean I know its no way my fault but I still blame myself some days, so why wouldn’t he think it at one stage?
I guess this is a topic within a topic that no one talks about. How the partner gets treated after a stillbirth by the mother. Its not all peachy that’s for sure. I wouldn’t put up half the shit that Tim puts up with. I am most of the time a moody cow, who has guilt ridding in her shoulders. And yet Tim’s mental health after Ryker’s death I think is a lot worse off than mine.
You see Tim keeps it to him self. He wants to shoulder everything so nothing touches me. His had to deal with depression, anxiety and sleep deprivation in the last 10 months and still carries on.
In a lot of ways, Tim is my rock, and sometimes his my shoulder to cry on and sometimes his my pin cushion that takes my frustration, and other times he is partner in crime, but he always has our best interest at heart.