When I tell Ryker’s story I’ve noticed I am numb. The other person who I am telling his story too can be bawling their eyes out and I just tell them like it’s what’s on the menu. I give no emotion. I have no reaction. Maybe I’ve just gotten so good at rehearsing my speech that, that’s all it is now. A speech I give to those who want to listen, it’s just on repeat. It’s like I’ve removed myself from the emotions.
I don’t feel bad about this, I guess I’ve put it down to my coping mechanism, and I am ok with that.
Don’t get me wrong, with some people, like my partner I still break down on a bad day, but all together if I talk to a friend the emotions are gone. I still find it hard to talk about Ryker, but once I get started I go on autopilot.