When nothing go’s wrong, nothing also go’s right. Life continues on a dull mundane path. Nothing exciting happens, but nothing dramatic happens either. I’m used to expecting that life will always go wrong, because when one little thing went wrong life finds a way to keep kicking you when you are down, but then it stops. Nothing happens.
There is no drama, no moments of clarity, simply life.
I don’t wake up hating life, I’ve accepted life, and in some ways life has accepted me again. It’s not trying to pull me down and suck everything out of me. It’s not making me pull my hair out and scream at the walls. It’s simple. I get up everyday at 6am and leave for work by 6:45. I start work at 7:30am and work through til 2:00pm or sometimes 3:00pm. I get home by the latest of 4:00pm. I shower and have something to eat, then I either read a book or study and clean up til about 8:30pm when Tim get’s home from work. He then showers and does all his usual stuff while I talk to him about his day, and then we watch some T.V and I go back to reading my book, then we go to bed. Just to do it all again the next day. Simple.
Yes we have the occasional shopping trip, or go out to eat, or even go visit someone, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I never thought I would enjoy a mundane life. But I do. I enjoy knowing what is being thrown at me, I enjoy knowing what I will be doing tomorrow at 2:00pm or even at 11:00pm. I know that a lot of people would hate this life. But the calm is what I need now. After that massive storm that I called my life, I need the calm now. I appreciate it.
Finding inner peace with my life, and myself have come from the experiences that I have had, this new found calm has come at a cost, as much as I wish it hadn’t. I wish my life was hectic with my would be 7 month old baby, who would be terrorizing my life, but I would love it. But I don’t think I would appreciate it. I wouldn’t appreciate the crying, the tantrums, the growing as a family. I wouldn’t never have even thought my life could change. But I know now how much I appreciate everything I have and everyone I have.
And this simple calm life I have at this very moment, is not what I would expect, and still to this day not something I would be imagining, but it is something I have and something I hope to learn from, even if it is inner peace. And at the end of the day I still get to say I have a son, a baby boy named Ryker, who will forever be my baby. He will forever be this perfect little angel.