Fear is something I’ve become accustom to these last few months, the fear of moving forward, the fear of the future. I don’t fear the past, it’s been and gone. I know what to expect from the past, but the future, that’s another question. The fear of forgetting what something was like, forgetting what Ryker was like, the smell of his skin, the look of the curves on his face. I know for a fact that photo’s do him no justice.
How do I know that in a few weeks, months or years that I won’t forget. Or the fear of in the future and moving on with my life, not feeling that little tingle of pain, that constant pain I feel everyday might just become less and less. I don’t want it to go anywhere. It’s my reminder that Ryker was here. That the love I have for him is here.
They tear themselves up from the deepest pits and spring their irrational thoughts into my mind. Then I talk myself out of them, reminding myself that I won’t let that happen. I won’t allow myself to forget, I won’t allow myself to fear the future. Fear the consequences of moving forward. But sometimes irrational thoughts win, and I can’t talk myself out of these thoughts, these deep rooted fears, and I have ride the wave of doubt.
These fears never really leave me, they may only be new, but they have dug deep, and embedded themselves securely into my brain. They have made their presences known thoroughly, and how do you make a fear go away? You face it.