Face Your Fears

Fear is something I’ve become accustom to these last few months, the fear of moving forward, the fear of the future. I don’t fear the past, it’s been and gone. I know what to expect from the past, but the future, that’s another question. The fear of forgetting what something was like, forgetting what Ryker was like, the smell of his skin, the look of the curves on his face. I know for a fact that photo’s do him no justice.

How do I know that in a few weeks, months or years that I won’t forget. Or the fear of in the future and moving on with my life, not feeling that little tingle of pain, that constant pain I feel everyday might just become less and less. I don’t want it to go anywhere. It’s my reminder that Ryker was here. That the love I have for him is here.

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I know these are irrational fears, but at the same time they are as real to me as my fear of snails is to me. They bundle themselves deep in my soul, awakening every time I stop to think.

They tear themselves up from the deepest pits and spring their irrational thoughts into my mind. Then I talk myself out of them, reminding myself that I won’t let that happen. I won’t allow myself to forget, I won’t allow myself to fear the future. Fear the consequences of moving forward. But sometimes irrational thoughts win, and I can’t talk myself out of these thoughts, these deep rooted fears, and I have ride the wave of doubt.

These fears never really leave me, they may only be new, but they have dug deep, and embedded themselves securely into my brain. They have made their presences known thoroughly, and how do you make a fear go away? You face it.

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2 thoughts on “Face Your Fears

  1. Sweetie have no fear…you will never be without Ryker in your heart, and even after all these years have past for me, I can simply close my eyes, take a deep breath and I am holding my twins again, one in each hand, seeing how fragile their little bodies were in my hands, their little legs, 5 toes hanging down around my wrist, their little tiny heads, I will never forget them – he is a part of who you are, you gave birth to him, held him, loved him for nine months before, trust me dear you will never forget anything about him…but the reality is life does move on, with or without you present in it….that’s one thing I have learned, better to let go of all the fear that you harbor about the future, and anything that goes with it….the ole saying, it is what is and will be what it will be, is going to happen whether you sit around and stew and make yourself into a neurotic ball of nothingness….better to life and accept the now and what for the tomorrow with better understanding of what was….find a mantra and every time one of those irrational thoughts pop up, beat it back with your mantra, after a while they will go away…..hope this find you and yours having a nice slip into the fall season…..XX Kat

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