Dear Ryker…

Dear Ryker,

My body and my soul long to hold you, to cradle you just one more time. To touch your skin, to smell your hair. Just to touch you once more. The thought of never seeing you again literally destroys my being. I’ve written so many letters to you in the last 7 months that I don’t know what to do with them anymore. I’ve told you about the life I now live, I’ve told you how much I love and miss you, yet every time I write to you my emotions bubble and I just want to tell you I love you over and over again.

Peopletell my I am strong, but they will never know I am not strong, I don’t most of the time even know what that word means. I think I have rewritten that sentence so many times, telling myself maybe I do know what the word strong means and maybe everyone is right, but I don’t honestly believe that, I am not strong, I am surviving. And the truth is, there is a hole inside my heart that can and never will be filled.

I talk about you daily to make sure you really where here and that I didn’t imagine you.

Missing a child is the strangest loss, you don’t know how to act or if you are acting how you are meant to be acting and feeling, you feel like everyone is judging your every move, and I know that your probably going ‘Mum don’t be silly,’ I have talked to you a million times, and for the life of me I can’t even imagine what your voice would be like, I guess I will never know.

I wish I dreamed of you, maybe I do, I just don’t remember it. But just know, I have so much love for you that everyday that love grow’s even stronger.

Always my love,

Love Mum.

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