How can one word hurt so much? How can one tiny word sum up what I am feeling completely? Grief.
I guess its because it is the word that has become completely associated with death, but I’m not just on about death, I’m on about all the could have been’s. That will never be. I grieve what my life should have been. Not what I have now. I grieve the relationships I have lost, all because they can not handle that I am ‘still’ grieving the loss of a child. I am grieving because we have decided to try again, when I shouldn’t even be considering the idea yet. I am processing my grief some days by throwing myself into my work and forgetting my life through mind numbing mundane things.
I grieve for others who have to watch my pain, and can not do anything about it. I grieve for my old self, the happy go lucky person I used to be. The girl who always had a smile on her face no matter the situation. Now I can just get my mouth to smile, it never touches my eyes.
I grieve for my family, I grieve for my future children, they have all been just as robbed as I have been, and most of all I grieve my life.
How can that word sum up so much of what my life is about now?
I know grief is a process, and that it takes time to go through, just like life. It’s something we have to take step by step, little by little. And I know I will one day accept that my fate was never in my own hands, but I grieve that my fate was not one of easiness, and that those who have an easy life will never understand my grief. And I will never understand theirs.