6 Months is Looming.

The 6 month mark is looming in front of me, I can see it taunting me with  a bright smile. I see my friends children that are about the same age hitting the 6 month mark, and slowly it is killing me on the inside. Days are moving faster than ever before and before I know it 6 months will be here.

I wish I could just see what Ryker would look like, see if his hair darkened or became really red. I guess I will never actually know. I try and talk about Ryker, and I do talk about him, but when ever I do people ask, ‘Oh, how old is he?’ and then I have to answer that dreaded question with something that completely kills any type of question with my favorite phrase, ‘He would have been,’ he would have been nearly 6 months. As soon as I say that people tend not to hear the ‘He would have been,’ and go on to ask me what he has accomplished, and I have to correct them.

In the last month I have opened up my experience to those who I have never met in person, not just over the internet, but face to face, and those are the moments I have come to realise people really do not want to know you have a dead child. They do not want to know that your child would have been nearly 6 months, they do not want to know that he had this hair that was next to gold. Or that his hands where so tiny. They just do not want to know.

Or they only want to know the details. The tiny gritty details so they can gossip later about it. They ask the questions you do not want to talk about. The how did he die, or the it’s so rare that it happens surely something was wrong. They really do not know that it’s not rare. The death of a baby is not rare, it is a common occurrence.

Maybe the 6 months will come and go, and then soon it will be 1 year, then 2, then 3 and then 10. Time has started to speed up, I barely recognize the date half the time. Life has in some ways started to claim back what I was took for granted, time.

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9 thoughts on “6 Months is Looming.

  1. Greetings…..yes it is in the human nature of our society to only focus on what there little minds can handle….death in general is a taboo topic and then add it was the death of a small angel and all hell breaks loose in there minds…the only way they can process the loss is the why and how come…my opinion, most people are pinheads!!! they can’t get past there own fears and phobias about death and see the person in front of them, grieving for her precious child she lost….not the why’s and how’s…on a whole society sucks…!!! I think about my twins now and then and wonder how beautiful they would of been and what type of personality they would of had, I believe its only normal for a mother to think about her children, live of past….they were a part of us, a living, growing part of us….I would imagine Ryker would of been beautiful at 6 months, his hair soft curls, and inquisitive eyes…reaching and kicking all the time….but remember my dear…his eyes are looking down on you and he is reaching to help you get through this…it is us who is left to wonder, he already knows he is doing fine where he is at….I am not a religious person at all, but when it comes to loosing our loved ones, I have to stand firm in my belief that they are in a spiritual world and happy, they are helping to guide us through our life… there are so many instances that it feels like my sister, father, mother are right there guiding me, showing me the way…sometimes like a neon sign…and the babies us women have all lost are the small angels whispering in our ears, encouragement, love and guiding us through difficult time….don’t stop talking about Ryker if it is helping you, perhaps start with “He would of been” maybe they will hear that, and as far as how and why….I would just say it was his time, he was needed in heaven….he was here and touched yours and your husband lives for a purpose….I can hear in your writing, the love he showed you in his little time he was with you…hold that close to your heart….it will never leave, however time does go on, and on and on…seems the clock continues to tick and the days go by….no matter….nice to see you on here… blessed be…kathy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kathy,
      People really are pinheads, they do my head in sometimes. I myself am not religious, however I completely agree with you that I too hold on to the belief that they are somewhere happy and content, otherwise I wouldn’t know what to believe.
      Sometimes, I wish time would just slow down so life could come to a stand still so I can just have a day where life is how it was meant to be.

      XX Dneika

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      • Then take that day, talk with you husband, make sure he understands what you need, next day off, go rent a room, go be by your self…whether its walking, sleeping, or just sitting in a dark room….your mind will thank you for it…..and there’s nothing wrong with doing it…my daughter does it often in her life….she says it helps her refocus and re energize herself…sometimes her husband rents her a nice room over the water or somewhere tranquil….I am thinking he is liking the thinking space too…LOL

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  2. It’s not rare at all. People just don’t tend to talk about it. It’s such a painful, delicate subject. A private subject that women who have endured such a devastating experience tend to not share it. For various reasons, not all shame or guilt that “they did something wrong,” as can so often happen. I was surprised to learn about these experiences from various women in my life when we’ve talked in confidence. And it’s wrong. It’s wrong that so many of them felt like they couldn’t speak or share their pain. It’s wrong that people only want to hear good and happy things. So thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure many women who have gone through the same and found your blog will have found some courage because of you to perhaps speak up and let the pain out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope so, a lot of the women whom I have met who have lost a child tend to only talk to other mother’s who have lost a child, and it’s not ‘wrong’, but I think it should be more open. Why should we as mothers have to grieve so silently?
      The fact that so many people perceive stillbirth as a rare occasion is sad, especially when it’s really not.

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  3. Nope, not rare at all. And instead of letting women griever properly, like Zoe said, they’re expected to hold it all in, pretend like it never happened. I was admonished by my own family for keeping a picture of Baby N and his urn on our mantel not a month after we lost him. Maybe things wouldn’t be quite so difficult if others wouldn’t interfere with the grieving process.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have Ryker’s things all through the house including his urn, and if anyone ever said anything to me they would no longer be part of my life family or not. I understand that they do not want to be reminded of such devastation, but it’s not their say.
      People interfering with the grieving process is difficult, and not just because they don’t know what to say, but also because when they don’t know what to say, they say something completely ignorant. Or they think they are doing the right thing. One of the older ladies I know who lost a child in the 70’s had all her baby stuff taken from her before she even got home and had a chance to do anything, they shut off that part of her life and she wasn’t allowed to grieve at all. I think of that and realise in some ways I have it a lot easier than she did. I can at least talk about my loss, I don’t care if I make people uncomfortable, but if this horrible fate had happened to me back then I wouldn’t of even been able to grieve. I guess in some ways the interfering of others is slowly going away, lets just hope sooner or later others will recognize that it is not their place to judge or try and ‘fix’ the process.

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  4. I have met so many people over the years who have lost children at birth. I swear the experience never seems to be the same for everyone. Some just want to forget. Others act as if it never happened. I don’t get that. I just do not understand. As the years pass Samuel is as real to me as anyone I have ever known. A mystery perhaps, mythlike, but I look forward to seeing him again someday. I say this with no sugar coated hope nor fatalistic attitude. Some folks say that there is a reason for everything that happens. I can’t say that I believe that. Even if it’s true it’s hardly comforting. I feel that Samuel was/is our son and his loss is a significant part of our life and for good or bad he is part of this road we walk here on this earth. He is still precious to us.You are brave and you must keep writing. Thoughts and prayers.

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