Sitting on the couch silently watching Tim play COD, I’ve started to think of the things I should have been doing, I should have been fussing over when I wanted to start introducing solids into Rykers diet, I should actually be in bed, so I could get enough sleep to be awake early in the morning with a chubby little 5 month old baby. I shouldn’t even be back at work for another month. I shouldn’t of had such a day like yesterday, I layed in bed after work and just broke down and cried for my loss.
I should be able to take my baby boy into work to show him off, I shouldn’t be trying to avoid my old workplace, and the people who worked there. Maybe my down days have become less and less, but they have become more apparent when they happen. I wouldn’t say I am happy, yes I have my moments when I am blissful, but for the most part of it I’m neither happy nor sad, I guess you could say I am surviving.
Even just this weekend past Tim and I went out with some friends to the local nightclub, and I found little to no pleasure in it. Yes it was good to see some people I hadn’t seen since Ryker passed, put the actual act of drinking and going out held no pleasure. I became bored within minutes of being there, and I didn’t even manage to get drunk. To be honest I didn’t really want to get drunk. It’s strange to think that I’m no longer that party girl I used to be.
It’s strange to think that the things that make me happy now are no longer parties or drinking, but are what deals or specials are happening at the grocery store. Or if a new cleaning product actually works really well. I guess a lot of people would say my life has become boring, but it’s the life I rather now. I don’t know if that’s because I would rather seclude myself from the world and not deal with everyone else’s problems or because I am becoming depressingly boring, maybe I am a little depressed, or maybe I should go talk to someone, but I would rather not. People have told me how talking to. Professional has helped so much, but I hate talking about how shit my life is, I hate talking about my life and me in general, so that’s not the path for me. Maybe one day it will be, but for now I have my support group and even now the distance between us grows.
Even with the distance growing, I still read stories from other parents in the group, but sometimes I can’t even stand the way they think. I know it’s how they cope, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing more harm to myself by staying in a group that can make me beyond angry and start to hate these women and men who are meant to be my support group. I know I’m not meant to judge them, and they aren’t meant to judge me, and when it comes to babies and their death I support all of them, but when they turn that into a platform to turn against things in life that has nothing to do with the reason we need support, and they are ranting and raving with hatred, I can’t do anything but judge them.
Hopefully in time I won’t need others support so much, and hopefully one day I will just accept that the way I feel at a particular moment in time is what I am feeling, Nd it’s not right or wrong, it’s just the way I am feeling.