My body may ache, and my mind may be cluttered from the dealings of life, but somehow life seems to somehow come to a halt. The time has slowed right down, and each day seems to drag. I haven’t cried over Ryker in week, I haven’t really put much thought into it, yes I talk about him at work, I even talk about my pregnancy, without feeling like an emotional wreck. I guess life really has started to move forward.
Between work and full time study, I don’t really have the time for anything at the moment, not even time to stop and think, and in someways I find this to be a blessing.
I mean on the 19th June it was 5 months since Ryker died, and I worked straight through it like it was a normal day, yer after work when I got home I felt like shit and just wanted a few moments to be depressed, but then I got up, had a shower and went to bed so I could get up bright and early the next day. I’m still having days when I just want days to stop, days where I don’t want any more time to pass, days where before I would have spent the day crying or depressed, now I have to force myself to get up and go to work.
I know I still have a long way to go, because I’m still numb to a lot of things, physically that is. Cuts and burns are meant to be part of the ‘chef life’, but not to the point you can’t even feel them, you don’t feel them when they occurs, and you don’t feel them afterwards. Not even when you rub salt into the wound. That’s how you know your emotional pain is too much to bear, when the physically pain completely disappears.
I guess some would say I’m ‘better’, but to be honest I will never be ‘better’, I’m just finding new ways to live.