I’ve gotten back into the grove of things, I went from not working, straight back into it. I had my interview on Friday, and started the Saturday. In the last 4 days I’ve worked 35.5 hours and I it has done wonders for my mind. I’ve not had a single minute to think of anything other than work, and when I’ve gotten home, I’ve had a shower had dinner and gone straight to bed. My body for the first few days had to get back into the swing of being on my feet all day and not being able to relax.
I guess the decision to talk about Ryker openly at work has come with an advantage, I’ve met another person who has lost a child. My boss lost his first born son at 7 weeks old. It’s not something I want to bond with others over, however I am not going to shut out my son. He was here. But I can understand why some people decided against telling their work place. Because well it is a workplace. But one main thing about kitchens is; well, they become your family too. You spend so much time there that you spend more time with your kitchen family then you do your real family.
It feels good not to concentrate on my own grief for 8-10 hours a day, I don’t have to think of any of my own pains, I don’t have to talk about them, all I have to do is concentrate on food. That’s it. Nothing else.
I honestly didn’t know how I was going to go the first week of work, I didn’t know if I was going to have an anxiety attack in the middle of service. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get out of bed in the mornings and go to work. I didn’t know if I was going to cry everyday, and I didn’t know if I was going to feel guilty over not grieving for most of the day.
I have done none. I haven’t even felt guilt. I’ve felt like I’m starting to completely accept and move forward in life. Well I feel that way now, this afternoon may be different, this afternoon I may feel useless, the results I get back is what will most likely determine on how I feel.
2 pm cannot come quick enough, but getting my blood results are a scary thing, normally getting blood results isn’t too scary, I’ve gotten many blood results back, but this time, this time these blood results tell me if my genetic make-up is what helped kill my son, these results are what will determine how my next pregnancy will go, they not only affect my past pregnancy but also my future children. And that is scary.