So we sat in the waiting room of my doctors office, there was baby’s, toddlers and pregnant mums. It was the first time that I had actually waited in the waiting room, normally when we go to see my doctor we go back to the staff’s tea room so I don’t have to ‘put up’ with the rest of the population, but today, I waited in the waiting room. That alone was a win for me. Sure I was getting frustrated when the new born baby only a few seats away from me started crying, and yes I got jealous when a mother who already had a toddler son, walked in with newborn twins, and the mother and father who had a 1 year old baby and newborn. Yes I was jealous, envious and even frustrated, but I did it. No, Tim and I did it.
So it turns out that I don’t have MTHFR gene, which means they don’t know why Ryker’s placenta was so clotted and that it was the ‘luck of the draw’, I don’t have to feel guilty that it was my gene’s that helped kill him, it was literally no one’s fault. And that hurts a little. That there was nothing no one could ever do.
At least now I know that it will most likely NOT happen with my next pregnancy, this news is what we have been waiting for, for this to come up clean so that we could try again. To hear that isn’t something that we could prevent, that my future pregnancies are at the ‘normal’ risk of having another stillbirth. That doesn’t really give me any comfort though. Who’s to say I won’t be that 1 in 4 again?
But it is too late to worry myself now, what’s done is done. And I have also had my rod taken out again today. Hopefully this year will bring some good news.