Blood Results

So we sat in the waiting room of my doctors office, there was baby’s, toddlers and pregnant mums. It was the first time that I had actually waited in the waiting room, normally when we go to see my doctor we go back to the staff’s tea room so I don’t have to ‘put up’ with the rest of the population, but today, I waited in the waiting room. That alone was a win for me. Sure I was getting frustrated when the new born baby only a few seats away from me started crying, and yes I got jealous when a mother who already had a toddler son, walked in with newborn twins, and the mother and father who had a 1 year old baby and newborn. Yes I was jealous, envious and even frustrated, but I did it. No, Tim and I did it.

So it turns out that I don’t have MTHFR gene, which means they don’t know why Ryker’s placenta was so clotted and that it was the ‘luck of the draw’, I don’t have to feel guilty that it was my gene’s that helped kill him, it was literally no one’s fault. And that hurts a little. That there was nothing no one could ever do.

At least now I know that it will most likely NOT happen with my next pregnancy, this news is what we have been waiting for, for this to come up clean so that we could try again. To hear that isn’t something that we could prevent, that my future pregnancies are at the ‘normal’ risk of having another stillbirth. That doesn’t really give me any comfort though. Who’s to say I won’t be that 1 in 4 again?

But it is too late to worry myself now, what’s done is done. And I have also had my rod taken out again today. Hopefully this year will bring some good news.

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12 thoughts on “Blood Results

  1. Hey Dneika, I know that I don’t “know” you but from reading your posts I feel like I do, a little. And I have to say that I am so proud of you for sitting in the waiting room. To some it is such a small thing but it is actually a huge accomplishment. Healing is a day by day, step by step process and from what I can tell you are doing an amazing job. Also, I wanted to say that your profile picture or whatever it is called (avatar?) is beautiful. For someone who has dealt with such a heartbreaking experience, you have such a warm and infectious smile. Keep smiling, darling, you’re doing great.

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    • I think it’s an avatar. I’m actually not to sure. And thank you. Even though we have never met, it is most of the time those people who are helping me understand my grief the most, it is the outsiders perspective that pours light onto things I would never tell me closest friends or family, for the fear of being told to get over it. People actually have told me that.
      Sitting in the waiting room really was a big accomplishment, and when other people actually acknowledge that too it’s an awesome feeling. It’s like I’m not crazy for feeling so proud of myself over something so mundane.

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      • I cannot believe that friends/family have said “get over it”. That is completely the opposite of what you need to hear. Seriously! Any type of loss takes time to accept and people need to realize that. It blows my mind how insensitive people can be. I’m glad the blog community has been able to connect you with the support and perspective that you need to heal and grow in your experiences. 🙂

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  2. Yeah….I had all toes and fingers crossed for you along with a prayer….some things are unexplainable in this big world…that is when you have to have faith…some people can’t do this, have faith I mean….but don’t hurt your head trying to figure out what has no logical answer…when my older sister dropped dead at 53, I literally spent years trying to make a logical reason for it, talked to way to many doctors about the reasons, spent many hours of many days eating and crying and hating the lord, the devil, the world, myself and whoever I thought had the power to take her from us, to die from something so natural, she was coughing, and her trachea closed, she suffocated in less than 3 minutes…the doctors told me, one after another even if they had been standing next to her they wouldn’t have been able to save her…and unfortunately this happens more often than people are aware of….so have faith that this was just one of those unexplainable events, I still believe Ryker is an angel taken to serve a bigger purpose in this universe, I feel for you more deeply than you know….sooooo heads up, chest out, smile on your face…life good, you will get to try again, and I think Ryker will be watching….

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    • Thank you, it has turned out to be an unexplainable thing, and now I have to find a way to accept that. I can understand where you are coming from, I have hated everyone and everything, but I try to remember that Ryker wouldn’t want me to be this bitter, ungrateful person.
      It’s amazing how quickly someone can be taken from us, and it is amazing how common it is to just happen.

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  3. I’m glad the blood test didn’t show you had the gene. Although I understand how tough that makes it, knowing that it was beyond your control. The universe is so unfair at times. Good luck to you guys as you move forward.

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  4. I remember once when i was looking at my daughter go into the operating room for an injury. As long as i was with her, as long as i felt like I had “control” I was fine. But, when they rolled her away, I lost it. The what if’s ran rampant in my brain. It was at that moment that i realized I NEVER had control. It is all a guessing game. The false sense that we somehow have control over pretty much anything is such a false sense of security.
    I will be praying for you and your future family, that you will be blessed and that you will have peace.
    I am happy for your results, it is wonderful news.

    Liked by 1 person

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