The neighbour hood has gone to bed, it’s just me and that blinking lamp post again awake on this freezing cold night. I don’t really have to listen to my thoughts, I can hear the constant rumbling of engines from the main road behind our house, we even have the frequent train passing through. The cat has decided my leg is a great sleeping place and Rogue decided ‘hey, why don’t I sleep in between mums legs and make life so awkward that she can’t move!’ Tim went to bed early with a migraine and well I’ve been awake unable to sleep, like normal.
It’s normal for me these days to be unable to sleep. I fall asleep late and wake up early with Tim at 5am everyday. I guess I’m scared to close my eyes and dream. The nightmares continue but now I don’t remember what they are mostly about, I just wake up in a fright. Not knowing what I am frightened about, just knowing there was something.
I’ve become impatient for 17th June, we finally receive my gene testing back, it’s only taken 3 months. I’m not sure if I want to know if I have this horrible gene that caused so much heart ache. What if it was me? I know we will try again, but then I will know I have a higher chance of having another stillborn, and that terrifies me more than anything in the world. You never think it would happen to you, and then it does. but what if you find out its most likely to happen again, and it’s your genes faults. I know they can monitor you through pregnancy but there is no absolute certainty when it comes to genes.
I guess worrying about knowing the answers is fruitless, but I guess I need to prepare myself for the if it is my genes. Knowing is better than being unprepared.