Ramblings From the ‘Birthday Girl’

It’s just turned 2 am and I am watching the street lamp outside my house flicker on and off, it would be annoying to most, but to me its mesmerizing. Something can cast light and darkness with a mere flicker.It’s only early morning and I already hate today, I want to sleep the day away; but first I need to be able to sleep. Birthday’s are meant to be joyus and happy. I guess. Yet all I feel is depressingly sad.images (14)

It’s 2 am and it’s my 22nd Birthday. I’ve been told to spend the day as I wish, looks like I will either be sleeping it away or crying. I doubt I will sleep at all tonight, the joys of anxiety. Last year I didn’t sleep until 4 am, difference was I was excited, not terrified of falling asleep, only to wake up and this nightmare is real.

The moon has seemed to disappeared for the night, but earlier it was bright, and very full, almost as to say,’admire me, I want to inspire you.’ The grass is filled with fog, and it’s cold enough to see my breathe when I breeth, the night is only illuminated when that little street lamp flickers on, otherwise it’s pitch black, kind of like my mood, isolated and filled with dispare. Wondering what it’s like to have a living child with you on your birthday. They say it’s the ‘luck of the draw,’ I hate that saying. It’s kind of like comparing losing a child to winning the lottery. But more people lose children than win the lottery. Kind of unfair if you ask me.

What a great birthday it’s turning out to be.
All I want is my boy Ryker, and it’s something I will never get, I feel ripped off. I feel like I got the shit end of a bargin. How can such agony fill one person? How can such conflicting feelings of emotion be in my soul? Maybe if I get sleep things will seem better. First I need to fall asleep.
I’ve only just turned 22, imagine the joy my mother must of felt 22 year’s ago, actually she would of been still in labour, but you know what I mean, the joy that 22 years ago my mother and father brought into this world a second daughter. They would have felt all the love in the world for me, I am sure they still do. My parent’s have always made sure that all five children knew they are loved. We are their number one priority, but I am envious. I envy that they brought a child into this world, me, but I do not get to bring my child into this world and celebrate this very day with him.
I guess I am going to have to learn how to celebrate again, once it was something I lived to do, now I dread every celebration, such a complete contrast as who I used to be. .

Once upon a time I loved to celebrate. (Red head is me)

Once upon a time I loved to celebrate. (Red head is me)


11 thoughts on “Ramblings From the ‘Birthday Girl’

  1. You don’t have to celebrate your birthday, but you should celebrate your uniqueness and what a wonderful person you are. Birthdays are also a good time to celebrate chocolate (without any guilt). πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just for a few minutes today – go outside. Smell the air. Listen to the noise. Feel a bit of wind or sunshine on your face. Breathe in the world.

    And if the tears flow while you do this – be proud of them, not ashamed – because tears mean you still have the capacity to feel.

    It won’t make the ache in your heart go away – and it won’t make everything all better – but it will be a momentary distraction to focus on the world around you.

    We all need moments of distraction.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My 22nd was spent in denial and depression and suicidal thoughts. Not all birthdays are good. Some are bad, just like the things that happen to us. Don’t force yourself to be anyone you’re not ready to be. I’m glad you’re alive and with us and celebrate that as a victory, but it’s perfectly alright to not feel it. Sending you strength and warm wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

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