Bargaining Tool

They say that bargaining is a part of grief, well that’s what I’ve read and I’ve been told. Have you ever just wanted something so bad that you tried to bargain with being’s you don’t even believe in. That’s how desperate you get, you try praying to every type of ‘God’ there is, you try negotiating with the cruel Mother Nature, and you scream at whatever life force there is. Because all you want is something that has been taken from you.
I’ve screamed, cried, bargained and even pleaded, to any life force that there is, because I don’t believe in one. I know there has to be something out there, but I don’t believe it something that we as human’s have made up. I believe it is something that none of us can see, none of us will ever see. Because something bigger than all of us is what created this world, whether it be science or religion something is out there. I’m more likely to believe Alien’s exists than any religion is real. You tell whoever it is you’re praying to that you will be the best parent in the world, that you would protect, love and nurture your child better than anyone else would. You promise to never do anything bad again, you hope someone, anyone hears you. download (5)
But let’s just say I’ve tried negotiating with every one of them. I just wanted one minute to be a ‘real’ mum. Just a little breath. I just wanted my baby to live. I was willing to sacrifice myself for my son. I was willing to watch him take one breathe and that could be my last breath, I would’ve rathered died than let Ryker die.
But how do you tell the ‘normal’ people that? How do you tell someone that you wished it was you that died and not your baby? You don’t. You keep that little nagging thought to yourself. You don’t let people in. You don’t let people try and bargain for you. Because in some ways it feels like it’s only your duty. Your duty as a mother to make sure that your child lives. Even if it cost’s your life.
(Now don’t try and twist these words and think I’m anti abortion, because I am not. Sometimes abortion really is the only option. I understand that and I respect the women who go through with the abortion, most people will say ‘She’s putting her life before her child,’ she might be, but don’t think she hasn’t thought about the decision, she hasn’t made the decision because it was an easy one. A lot of the time abortion’s happen for medical reasons. I won’t turn this into a discussion because I don’t like reading ignorant comments when it comes to abortion, those that are so against it usually have never had to make a life staking decision when it comes to a pregnancy.)
But I will say this; pleading, bargaining, negotiating doesn’t work. As much as you try, you are ignored. You are left in the dark while whoever decided fate, is laughing at you.


4 thoughts on “Bargaining Tool

  1. I don’t think anybody out there, wherever there is; is laughing at you….I bargained with the devil once and still lost, once they’re gone, they’re gone, no matter how much you beg, plead, and think that magic existed, it doesn’t, because nothing will bring them back…it’s a terrible feeling and to have and even a worse on to face it…..all you can do is exsist…no matter what you think you could have done; you couldn’t have, no matter….I feel your pain…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can understand you very, very well, dear … We women has been through many of such, but I tell you, there are silly women out there too, who do not understand such situation.

    My mother used to tell me that we, women, should hold on with each other and supporting each other because we are living in world dominated by men. So, why making it the more difficult and hard for each other? She’s right, you know.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t tried witchcraft on more than one occasion… bargaining is a natural part of grief, but like you I’ve given up on the thought that does any good. Especially when you see so many selfish, terrible, unkind people get amazing gifts in life. Argh!

    Liked by 2 people

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