I Guess It Will Be A Happy Birthday?

Have you ever had that day where you don’t known any more? You just aren’t sure of anything, well today is that day for me. You see it’s 4 days until my 22nd birthday. 4 day’s until the day we had our first ultra sound, and announced to the world that we where expecting a baby. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to be a’normal’ 22 year old and go and get pissed. I want the day to be like any other.10435034_10152247878648922_3161069017588407972_n
I’m really trying to understand how people celebrate something that is so ‘joyful’ when all I want is my life to stop spinning, all I want is fate to stop kicking me in the guts. Maybe once this year and all the ‘firsts’, have stopped I might start to enjoy all these celebrations. Maybe a day will come when I won’t be reminded of the loss of the most important thing in my life.
Thursday will come and go, and I will still feel the same, just a little older. Something new, I will be 22 and not 21, something I haven’t experienced yet, maybe that will be something positive. A experience I have yet to enjoy. It’s hard to imagine that this time last year I was so excited, not for my birthday, but for our first ultrasound. I could barely sleep with anticipation. I was a nervous wreck imagining that the worst would happen, but then I would imagine the most amazing thing would happen and that we would get to see our baby for the first time, we even got to hear his tiny heart beat for the first time. It was in those day’s before the first ultra sound that I really understood how much I loved our bean.

Ryker's heart
It was those first day’s that we talked about what if it’s a boy, and what if it’s a girl. We started talking baby names, we found the ones we loved, we found the names we hated. Like Tim hates classic names, but I simply adore them. We both love unique names, I mean Ryker isn’t a name you hear every day (I have since met a beautiful woman who introduced herself to me because she has a son named Rhyker,) we found out that if we had a girl she would not be named after a flower.

no flower
It was those first days when Tim started the habit of putting his hand on my stomach as if to caress our unborn child. And unfortunately it was those first days when we both started to dream of our future. It was those first days when we wanted the time to hurry up, and now all I want is to go back to those first days and for the time to go slower. It’s funny that, when we got our first ultrasound I was 7 weeks along, a very little along, yet it was those times that I fell the hardest in love with our son. Ryker was the centre of my universe from the day we found out I was pregnant, I just wish he was hear instead of my posting a blog about how much I actually do love my son. I wished I could tell him that this was the first time I actually saw you, and this was the moment I realise how in love with you I actually am. The love a parent has for their child is describable, but when a parent loses that child, you understand how much love you have, you understand the hole in your heart. It’s not a hole, more of half your heart is torn and shredded to pieces, to nemy positive with Rykerver be put back together again.

If I would admit to any of my biggest sins, it would be I dreamt to much, and was too naive. But how was a 20/21 year old meant to do it any different? I have grown so much since the little miracle of falling pregnant, I have learnt so much and in some ways my heart has grown. I’ve become stronger, and I’ve come to my lowest point in life, anything would be more bearable than losing a child. I know now I can live through anything else that ever happens to me. I can’t imagine life without my son, but somehow I am living that very life. I am living in my own nightmare everyday, and yet I am surviving. Some how.

Maybe life has a plan like some say, maybe one day I will have a living child that all these emotions and experiences can be passed on. Maybe my own experience won’t be as horrible, and I will have at least some good experiences, not just these nightmares to plague me. Maybe in 4 month’s I will be announcing to the world we are expecting again, maybe it will be in 5 years or even 10 years. Who knows?


15 thoughts on “I Guess It Will Be A Happy Birthday?

  1. The year of firsts are so much harder than I could have imagined. I too just had my birthday, and it was a milestone that my son would have very much enjoyed ribbing me about. I am so sorry for your loss, and I’m here to walk this journey with you.

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  2. Sending you peace and hugs. You are very strong to walk this path, even when you don’t feel it. Your birthday can be just another day this year. Allow you YOUR time to grieve. There is no time line, no right or wrong way. It is your loss. You are doing good today be remembering those happy moments when talking about Ryker before he was Ryker and just your bean. One day, you can tell your other child or children about him. One day. For now, love your son no matter what ❤️

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  3. Well it’s your birthday and you can spend it anyway you want, it can be just another day after all…however the ones that love you will try to help make you feel better thinking they’re helping not hindering….I feel your frustration……thinking of you on your difficult day….

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  4. your strength is so incredible. i think losing a child is so devastating. i had a miscarriage when i was also 20 -ish. it was a 2 mos. i was so heartbroken. for weeks if i saw an ad on tv or a person on the street with a child, a stroller, anything…i would burst out in tears, just sobbing for my little one who was lost. i didn’t see the tears coming, i couldn’t avoid them when they arrived, i just had to grieve, and i did.

    the light did eventually return to my days, and so i think it will return for yours as well. just maybe take a little longer, you lost something more. he will never be forgotten. you will never stop feeling for him. but the sun will come back, your life will light up again, and you will add to your family. (I never forget my lost one, but it is not so sad now, and not as often.)

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  5. Dneika- Thank you for visiting The Fountain and for your heartfelt outpourings here. I can imagine what you are experiencing but from a different perspective. I can only say from my own experience that there will be those bad days, and some better days, and as time goes on you will even have an okay day here and there. The triggers still strike without warning; the Grief Bandit still hides in the rocks, waiting to pounce. Time doesn’t heal anything, you simply learn how to manage the Chronic Sorrow more easily. You will return to your life, resume your journey. It will be a different journey than the one you imagined, but no less wondrous for all the heartache. I wish you whatever windows of peace you can find.

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  6. While I came because of a like on my blog, I stayed because of what I saw here. I was touched.

    I know that I will never understand how a mother might feel losing a son, especially one that you never got to know. But I think it must be an unimaginable pain and you have every right to mourn for as long as you need to. All I can really do is wish you all the best and promise that we, the readers, will stand by you, your family and the memory (and the soul, which I believe lives on) of your son, and pray for him.

    Take care of yourself. I think you are a strong mother that Ryker would be so proud of. Just do what YOU need to do and what you think is right.

    And I mean that. I hope you have a good day- a better day.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so very for your loss. During one of my very worst times of grieving, I remember being amazed that life just carried on while time seemed to stand still for me. I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through, but you’re in my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It always seems to come as as a shock to me when ever I realise that life has just kept going. I seem to always expect it to stop, but it never does. And it’s the people too that seem to move on so quick, that you forget you are one of the only people that is still completely grieving, and everyone else seems to be back to normal.

      Liked by 1 person

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