Have you ever had that day where you don’t known any more? You just aren’t sure of anything, well today is that day for me. You see it’s 4 days until my 22nd birthday. 4 day’s until the day we had our first ultra sound, and announced to the world that we where expecting a baby. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to be a’normal’ 22 year old and go and get pissed. I want the day to be like any other.
I’m really trying to understand how people celebrate something that is so ‘joyful’ when all I want is my life to stop spinning, all I want is fate to stop kicking me in the guts. Maybe once this year and all the ‘firsts’, have stopped I might start to enjoy all these celebrations. Maybe a day will come when I won’t be reminded of the loss of the most important thing in my life.
Thursday will come and go, and I will still feel the same, just a little older. Something new, I will be 22 and not 21, something I haven’t experienced yet, maybe that will be something positive. A experience I have yet to enjoy. It’s hard to imagine that this time last year I was so excited, not for my birthday, but for our first ultrasound. I could barely sleep with anticipation. I was a nervous wreck imagining that the worst would happen, but then I would imagine the most amazing thing would happen and that we would get to see our baby for the first time, we even got to hear his tiny heart beat for the first time. It was in those day’s before the first ultra sound that I really understood how much I loved our bean.
It was those first day’s that we talked about what if it’s a boy, and what if it’s a girl. We started talking baby names, we found the ones we loved, we found the names we hated. Like Tim hates classic names, but I simply adore them. We both love unique names, I mean Ryker isn’t a name you hear every day (I have since met a beautiful woman who introduced herself to me because she has a son named Rhyker,) we found out that if we had a girl she would not be named after a flower.
It was those first days when Tim started the habit of putting his hand on my stomach as if to caress our unborn child. And unfortunately it was those first days when we both started to dream of our future. It was those first days when we wanted the time to hurry up, and now all I want is to go back to those first days and for the time to go slower. It’s funny that, when we got our first ultrasound I was 7 weeks along, a very little along, yet it was those times that I fell the hardest in love with our son. Ryker was the centre of my universe from the day we found out I was pregnant, I just wish he was hear instead of my posting a blog about how much I actually do love my son. I wished I could tell him that this was the first time I actually saw you, and this was the moment I realise how in love with you I actually am. The love a parent has for their child is describable, but when a parent loses that child, you understand how much love you have, you understand the hole in your heart. It’s not a hole, more of half your heart is torn and shredded to pieces, to never be put back together again.
If I would admit to any of my biggest sins, it would be I dreamt to much, and was too naive. But how was a 20/21 year old meant to do it any different? I have grown so much since the little miracle of falling pregnant, I have learnt so much and in some ways my heart has grown. I’ve become stronger, and I’ve come to my lowest point in life, anything would be more bearable than losing a child. I know now I can live through anything else that ever happens to me. I can’t imagine life without my son, but somehow I am living that very life. I am living in my own nightmare everyday, and yet I am surviving. Some how.
Maybe life has a plan like some say, maybe one day I will have a living child that all these emotions and experiences can be passed on. Maybe my own experience won’t be as horrible, and I will have at least some good experiences, not just these nightmares to plague me. Maybe in 4 month’s I will be announcing to the world we are expecting again, maybe it will be in 5 years or even 10 years. Who knows?