Box of Memories

11005780_10152826435043922_1250525862_nA memory box, most new mother’s create a memory box for months and even years. But for some Mother’s a memory box is something very different, it’s filled with memories from only one day or several, it might be filled with birth certificates, death certificates and other little bits and bobs. You see my Memory box has everything and anything that was important when Ryker was born.
I have all my ultrasound disks/pictures, and even his portrait’s, I even have Ryker’s one and only outfit, with his tiny singlet and tiny socks. I have all my paperwork from when Ryker was born, I even have the autopsy results in there and his official birth certificate. I have a special candle that will never get lit, I have forget me not seeds that will never get planted.
In my memory box I have all the cards we received from friends and family over the country stored in a special envelope. I have pressed flowers from all the flowers we received (I never want flowers sent to my house again, I could smell them for weeks after they all died), I have Ryker’s funeral receipt (Baby funeral’s aren’t as cheap as you think they would be).
There’s a lock of his golden hair, mine and his hospital tag’s, one too bog and one too small. The measuring tap that the midwife used to measure my little sweet boy (50cm on the dot), his head circumference (33 cm), and a little note with how much he weighed ( 3kg and 210g), I even have one of his CTG scans when his heart beat was beautiful and strong. I have a flannel he will never use.

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There’s a blue balloon with a picture of Ryker from when we did our balloon release at the end of the funeral. Then there’s the certificates for his urn and cremation. Booklets on grief, and my hand written letters, that will never get posted. This is my memory box, for when days get to hard, all I have to do is open it and remember, the smell of his hair, the smell of his skin (Tim to this day says he smelt like ham), and the weight of holding my baby. I don’t need to remember the stiffness of the first night, I don’t need to remember the darkness of his lips, and I try not to remember the tubes down his throat. Or the little bit of blood that crept down his nose when you moved him to fast.
I remember how much he actually looked like my niece, a spitting image, just she was dark (dark hair and dark eyes), while he was light (golden hair and the midwife said he had blue eyes).
I try not to remember the heart break I went through when we said our final goodbyes at the hospital. I try not to remember when I awoke from surgery to the new’s my son never made it. I hate knowing everything that remains of my son, is in a little urn. I look at the clock at 4:55pm every Monday and dream that Ryker was another week older. I may not try to remember all these little pieces, but they are what stick the most.

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14 thoughts on “Box of Memories

  1. Nothing wrong with having a memory box…I kept one for my twins for several years… Perhaps and only perhaps you will plant your forget me nots….and see joy in there little blue flowers…. Perhaps and only perhaps one day… I had my twins buried in a cemetery in SF that they use only for children…. They rest with the others asked to go to the Lord sooner than I would’ve liked… I feel your pain…been there…and I know there are no words to help….

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    • I went and bought a whole bunch of forget me not’s at the shops to plant, I feel like if I plant the ones in his box I’m losing a part of him. We had Ryker’s funeral at a infant cemetery and it is a beautiful place. I have a question for you, do you have little reminders of your twins around the house? Because I know it seems to unsettle some people that visit. I tell them to get over it and accept it if they want to visit.
      Be kind to yourself Mama,
      Dneika X

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      • No, I had a memory box, their first blankets they were wrapped in and the little hats, all the papers from the hospital, the outfits I was going to take them home in.. ect….everything to remind me daily of what I had lost..mu two precious baby girls, Chole Sea and Claire Marie….the pain was still great after a couple years I seemed to be in a grieving mode rut, not better way to put it and unable to snap out of it….I had a little girl to raise ( I was a single mother) and someone very close to me pointed out my actions were affecting her….so I took one long last look at all my little girls treasures and handed them over to a friend to be incinerated….from that day on, for me, I was able to start healing, and found closure, accepted that the Lord wanted my girls for a bigger purpose, they were his angels, not mine anymore. At some point you must let your mind and heart stop feeling guilty….it was nothing you did, something bigger in the universe needed Ryker and believe me he doesn’t want his mother unhappy and feeling bad for him, I believe there is a greater place than on earth that we go, I believe without knowing you or him, he is one of the angels we all find peace in…unfortunately unless you take your own life, I believe that our destiny is predetermined at birth, and some of us given our little angels for a brief moment in time so we they can have someone to call mom, even if its just in name…please understand I also know its different for all of us, but for me the constant reminder made it worse for me and I was unable to see that…..I know that you will recover from this grief like I did, you have so much to live for and Ryker played a huge roll in making the women you are today, his mother, a strong loving, caring person….look around you and really see….I hope you understand that…love the ones here on earth, no one is asking you to forget, but to live…and believe me Ryker is at the front of that line saying yes mommy live again, its okay….
        your in my thoughts….blessed be

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      • Thank you for such an honest answer! I’ve asked a few other mother’s and they just say yes or no and don’t want to go into detail. Chole Sea and Claire Marie are beautiful names! I understand what you mean about not having the reminder’s, but for some reason having the little things around the house remind me it did happen and I didn’t imagine it. In some way letting his memory live on. I think in some ways I find it hard to move on because I have nothing to push me. I don’t have other children, my family is on the otherside of the country, my partners are on this side. And I seem to push a lot of my friends away. I’m hoping that when we start TTC it will give me something to look forward too and give me the push I need to say enough is enough, I need to do this right. I’m not doing it to replace anyone so I should treat this like the pregnancy it is meant to be, another blessing. So I should live my life for this next child too. I know all this now, but I just don’t have that little bit of a push to make me do it.
        Be kind to yourself Mama,
        Dneika X

        Liked by 1 person

      • your doing fine….its important to take your own time and not rush yourself…sounds like you have your head on straight….try to not push you friends away…its hard on them to see you hurting…its all part of healing…let them back in….if they love you unconditionally then they will accept you and your pain….and be there for you….your doing fine….don’t let anyone tell you any difference…kat

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  2. I love your writing. There is such an unexplainable connection you feel with others who have lost children. A reminder that you are never alone!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I ached for you when I read this. I must admit I once or twice may have begged God….even if I could not keep them, if he could just for a few moments, or days or years let me be a mother. If He could’ve just given one breath of life to just one of our embryos….that I would treasure that time forever and find a way to be grateful. And reading this, I know you did – and do, and forever will treasure that sweet boy. Hang in there.

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