I’m my own worst enemy, its so hard and exhausting I feel so fake to the world. I’m always trying to out on a brave face around everyone, I can’t be myself or those times I want to just sit and be with my child’s memory and not be interrupted by other events. I have to work hard to maintain my integrity and be me but learn to accept sometimes the world doesn’t want to know or I don’t want to tell them because my story has become mine. I just wish I didn’t have to be this person. It’s like being trapped in someone else’s body and I hate it. And I can’t get back to functioning like a “normal” person. I know I’ll never be the same person but I feel like I should be doing better than what I am. It’s funny the things that de stabilise and catch you unaware. It’s the unexpected triggers that are the killers.
You see I was recently called a ‘burden on society’, because I received parental pay from the government. Because even though I birthed a child, I apparently do not deserve the payment so I can stay home and grieve. I am meant to be back at work and not bumming off of the government. Yet I payed my taxes, I applied for the payment before my son was born like I was meant to. I informed the government when my son died, and you know what, they still told me because I had a full term stillbirth, applied for the payment before the birth happened and informed them of the birth, I still get the payed parental leave, even if my child died. Mind you this is all coming from someone who has never needed time off to grieve, never had a child, and doesn’t work. So why am I the burden?
I worked through my pregnancy, I met all the requirements needed to get the payment so I could spend time at home to be with my baby, I thought he would be alive, but instead I am grieving. This payment is helping me and my partner, because otherwise all we would be getting is his little pay check each month that barely cover’s the rent and petrol each week. So why am I the burden?
This woman has not worked in the past 5 years that I have known her, she claims many government assisted payments, and she refuses to try and find work. Yet because I paid taxes and the government was willing to help me so I could spend time with my child before I went BACK to work , that’s how it was meant to be, I am the burden. Because the government helped assist with the cost for a funeral for my child, I am the burden. I know many women and men who are just like this one, yet I do not go out of my way to tell them they are the burden on society.
So maybe you should stop popping out kids to keep getting payments and fix your life up before you tell me I am the burden on society. I won’t tell you her whole life story, but I am sure she will tell you it, she likes to share that she is so hard done by, yet all her problems are caused by herself. Yet I am the burden the she tells me. I told her to mind her own business, and do you know what she said, “The government giving you free money is my business,” People have always told me this is when I will find out what peoples true colour’s are, and I am slowly but surely am. Because as you may of heard I am the burden on society. A grieving mother who paid her taxes, who worked full time, who actually went through all the correct channels and for the first time in her life actually claiming assistance from the government. I am the burden.