We have always known we wanted to TTC again. So after much consideration, Tim and I have finally put a date on when we would like to TTC (Try to conceive) again. It’s not just yet, but it will be within a couple of months. I know what most people’s reaction will be and I know there is no guarantee it will happen straight away. But I feel like we are both ready, we are just waiting for my body to recover from my C-Section, and I need to be on some medications 3 months before we TTC. We have always known we wanted to TTC, we just weren’t sure when.
I’m preparing myself for all the, ‘So soon,’ or ‘Already?’, and yet these will all most likely come from the same people who are telling me I should be moving on already. So in their eyes I should move on already, but I shouldn’t move on to the point that we are ready to bring a sibling into this world for Ryker, right? Confused yet, I am.
In my opinion it’s only Tim and my choice, no one else. Yet sometimes I feel everyone else has an opinion on what we should do. We feel ready; I feel an ache in my heart for another baby, not to replace Ryker, but to have a living child. Many angel Mama’s have told me they feel the same, and some completely disagree, but the one thing we all agree on is that it’s not everyone else business.
We are not replacing our child, nothing and no one will ever replace Ryker, it simply is impossible. But the empty arms and the yearning to hold another baby, something an urn cannot fulfil. This is a feeling only mother’s who have lost a child will understand, and it’s a feeling beyond recognition. It is a physical ache to hold your child, something that will never be replaced, but as time moves on, so does the ache. It never fully disappears though.
There are many things each individual couple has to consider before TTC again after a stillbirth; Are you physically ready? And are you emotionally prepared? We have considered all the pro’s on con’s of TTC again, we have discussed and argued on whether or not we even wanted to TTC again, but to be honest, we have chosen that we do want too, we are prepared emotionally and now we are just waiting on the physical.
So even though some don’t think we should TTC again just yet and some are happy for us to do so. At the end of the day, only Tim and I can decide, and I am glad we have. It’s the most personal choice we have had to face yet. When do we want to give Ryker a sibling?
I’ve put off thinking about TTC, because when I did the first 2 months all I could think of is ‘what if it happens again?’ I don’t think I could go through this entire heart ache again, but all I know now is that if I don’t I will never know. I’ve read stories of women, who have had multiple Stillbirths, and I’ve read stories of women who had a completely healthy baby afterwards, I’ve even read stories of women never trying again. So no matter what your choice is, it’s not wrong. It’s your choice.