10 Fingers and 10 Toes

So today while looking through the files on the laptop I stumbled across our Anatomy Scan, and when we found out what ‘ROCK-ANATOMY SCAN 0012sex’ Ryker would be. It was a little shock, a little pride and a little remorse. To see such a healthy, beautiful little boy, he
wouldn’t sit still and kept moving. It took about 10 minutes before they could get any good pictures for us. We spent about 40 minutes watching the ultra sound, and he really was perfect and so energetic.

Ryker had 10 fingers and 10 toes. His heart beat was amazing and he had all organs and no defects that they could see. In other words they thought he was perfect back then too. He was growing at a healthy rate and seemed to be thriving in my womb.

I remember being so excited to see my little baby, and to find out if we were having a little Prince or Princess. Whether or not I was going to have a jungle theme or pretty in pink theme nursery.  The first person I called was my mum, but like usual she didn’t answer so I called my elder sister. My elder sister was also pregnant at the time and she had found out she was having a little girl so to add that I was going to have a little boy only 3 months after her was just a little miracle all on its own. We were all so excited that a little boy was joining our family.ROCK-ANATOMY SCAN 0016

Looking back at the ultra sound pictures makes me tear up just a little, that’s when they should have found that my placenta was not attached properly, that’s when they should have seen that some of the placenta was dead and it was just too small. But they didn’t. They told me he was perfect and that everything was all right. Little did we all know nothing was actually all right.

Looking at these pictures made me think of when I had my scare at 28 weeks and I was admitted into KEMH. How did they not notice anything wrong? I mean I had 4 ultra sounds within 7 days of being there. Surely someone would have seen something?

I still don’t get how no one saw anything wrong with my placenta. They all told me everything was looking perfect and that I would get to go home soon. Even if I did get some amazing pictures, they didn’t find something so obvious. I don’t blame t
hem, hell I can’t really blame anyone, and I don’t. They weren’t meant to be looking at my placenta. They where meant to be looking at my amniotic fluid. But what if they had looked at my placenta. Would they have noticed that it was to small for 28 w1897748_10152553692398922_2970306277675057446_neek’s. Would they have done something immediately?

Looking at Ryker’s 3D ultra sound pictures, I do have to admit we knew he was going to be a beautiful baby boy with lips like his Mama’s, and a chin like his Daddy. I wish I had known before hand that something could have been wrong, maybe a warning of some kind. Maybe knowing would have caused my expierence with Ryker to be different, maybe it wouldn’t of changed anything. But I will never know.

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11 thoughts on “10 Fingers and 10 Toes

    • It’s ok. The one thing I have learnt through sharing my story is that nearlly everyone tends to cry. I don’t know why, I don’t share it to make people sad, I share so people are aware. 🙂
      Be kind to yourself Mama,
      Dneika X

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh dear Dneika, came over to say “thanks” for your visits to food for fun and instead am amazed at what you’re putting out here. My heart breaks for you, though I know you don’t want pity. Just know I appreciate you stopping over. Please come back again and I will do the same for you. You may doubt your courage, but it comes through loud and clear with your words. Thank you for being so real.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s really nothing I can say to do your pain justice. I am trying and trying to formulate the words in my brain and my fingers, to put them here for you to read, but this is all I have. How could I possibly begin to understand your grief? I can’t. But, I can do this: I can choose to believe that Ryker is a beautiful little prince in heaven or the universe or wherever little princes go to wait for their mommies and daddies. And I can also promise you this: I will do everything I can to stop taking life for granted, because what you have experienced is something no mother should have to experience. I wish I had the words to make it feel just a little better. I’m trying, but obviously failing. Either way, I’m here…reading, and thinking about you guys and about your little prince….who is, without a doubt, out there somewhere waiting for you to come home.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Kristina, I hope you never find out or even begin to understand this grief, I wish no one ever does again. And I know that is wishful thinking. So please don’t even try to imagine it, because I don’t wish anyone to, I would never wish this upon my worse enemy let alone someone who has spoken with such kind words.
      Thank you for reading and for stopping taking little things for granted, I know I have! And I hope is somewhere waiting. I wish words could take the pain away some days but then other days I am glad I have the pain because it reminds me of the love I have for my little boy!

      Be kind to yourself X

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to only show love when expressing my feelings for Ryker, that is all he ever knew and I hope to remind myself of that when I talk about him. X

      Liked by 1 person

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