I’ve come to the conclusion I hate this stormy weather, the weeping windows, while the cold rain pelts in every direction. Trees swaying wildly in the wind, every now and again thunder will boom, shocking my heart and making me cringe involuntarily while angry winds batter the unshakable hindrance of the house. And I am stuck inside unable to occupy my mind. Unable to go outside and explore, instead I am cooped up in this house with a puppy and cat, while my partner plays his Xbox.
I’ve played on my phone; I’ve tried to read a book, I played with the puppy but now all she wants to do is sleep. The cat is ignoring me, and I’m not too sure why, while Tim is yelling at the people who he plays his Xbox with. I’ve even tried studying but my mind keeps wandering and I think I’ve reread the same sentence maybe 5 times. I’ve read so many blog entries today that my mind is screaming ‘No more!’
I’ve snuggled back up in bed with the laptop and decided I have to occupy my mind otherwise all I will think about is how I am meant to have Ryker here. How yesterday and the day before that all day long next doors baby who will be 5 months very soon, just cried and cried, I couldn’t block him out at all. I tried turning my music up, I tried shutting all the windows, and my mind will go back to yesterday and those feelings I had, the longing I had for my baby boy. I would end up picking through Ryker’s memory box and pulling out his ‘First Outfit’ and I would sit there and smell it. The outfit still smells like him, his tiny little singlet he wore still smells like, Ryker’s little socks still smell like him, I even still have his baby nappy.
This stormy weather is all at fault. If it wasn’t stormy and wasn’t the weekend I would go and find something to do outside to keep my mind occupied.
My mind might even start to wander over how people are so judgemental that a lady in my ‘grieving group,’ is being ridiculed because she had to make a decision on whether or not she kept her pregnancy. The pregnancy was life threatening for both the baby and the mother, and yet other ‘Grieving Mothers’ are making her out that she should not be a grieving mother. The choice to have a medical abortion at 15 weeks would have been heart breaking for her, as well as guilt ridden. And yet, people are treating her like crap, because she made a medical decision and they believe she should have suffered through the pregnancy that would have most likely killer herself and her baby. Other mothers should understand that medical abortions do not come as a light choice. She made the hardest decision a parent would ever have to make.
And now my mind has wandered into why did someone ever report my pictures of Ryker? I found out who did it and I asked them why. The reason was “I didn’t want to be reminded of dead babies, because I’m pregnant,” mind you I deleted this ‘lady’, if that is what you could even call her. I would call her something more along the lines of a; parsimonious, superficial, inconsiderate, cowardly, arrogant person. But that’s my opinion of a so called ‘Mother,’ who would rather go out partying and drinking whilst pregnant with her second child while the first child who is not even 1 yet gets passed onto family member to family member.
This is why the rain needs to stop! I become engaged into my own mind and become cynical towards those who are just ignorant and have no idea how painful it is to have your dead babies pictures reported. Why can’t I share my photos like any other mother can? My photo’s are not graphic (they got reported for graphic content), there is no blood, guts and gore. There is no nudity. The pictures are simply portraits done of my son.
I need a new hobby I think, a hobby just for stormy days, something that will not just occupy my mind, but my body as well.