Somehow, I’m pretty sure I forgot what happens when you are grieving, the nightmares, and unluckily for me they have turned up on my doorstep waiting to terrorize me in my sleep. These nightmares are so realistic that I can’t immediately distinguish between is it a nightmare or is it real life?
My nightmares are never the same scenario, always different, but somehow they all involve Ryker dying, and I am trapped, unable to move or free myself, unlike every other nightmare, I know that when I wake up that my nightmare was both real and worse than the fragmented re-enactments my mind offer’s every night. Instead of relief on waking I have my trauma made fresh and raw each morning. It’s come to the point I wish that insomnia would come and collect me. Just so I don’t have to dream any more. If these dreams where kind or happy let’s be honest I wouldn’t mind them.
Then once I have woken from my dream with a sweat and pounding heart, the room pitch black and unable to figure out where I am for just a moment; only to realise I was in my own room, I can’t fall back to sleep, the rest of the night is spent in-between tossing and turning. These so called nightmares plague my sleep and some nights I chose to not to go to sleep.
I just want the nights back when I didn’t remember a single dream I ever had, I wish I didn’t dream of Ryker dying but I do. These murky, dim, and sometimes foggy dreams continue to plague me, and in some ways I feel relieved that I am having them, I welcome them in some ways, because it is the only time I have with Ryker, and even if it is a nightmare, it’s still a dream worth having.