Another pregnancy announcement, another new baby, another new life; I feel nothing when these things are announced. I don’t mean too. I wish I could feel joy, just a little speck of it. But I don’t. I don’t feel anything; no happiness or joy, no bitterness or anger, not even an ounce of jealousy. Nada, nothing, maybe it’s my brain shut off, to heal in its own way. But shouldn’t I be feeling something? Maybe annoyance or envy?
It’s been this way for a while, and it puts a strain on your friendships when you don’t congratulate your friend. I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I did for a bit, I forced myself to congratulate some of my friends when they announced their news, but now I can’t even force myself.
All I keep trying to remind myself is that it is not their fault. It’s not their fault I can’t be happy for them, even if they are family. I can’t bring myself to smile when they tell me themselves. Babies before Ryker I can smile at, play with and be happy for, yet when it comes to babies and pregnancies after Ryker, I can’t do it. I know this may sound horrible that I can’t be happy for someone else, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
There have been all kinds of announcements for friends that are moving on with their lives, however, I can’t yet bring myself to bring joy from them. I can’t do anything but feel nothing for them.