A Mere Twiggy Stick

A simple Twiggy stick (Salami Stick) was all I craved half way through my pregnancy. I would have given anything to just have one. I knew I couldn’t eat them yet I wanted them so badly. Now looking down in my lap and what do I have? A Twiggy stick. The bitter-sweet envy I have for those who cannot have one right now due to pregnancy. When I told myself I would do anything to have a Twiggy stick I really didn’t mean it. I would give up ever having to not have a Twiggy stick just to turn back time; and to be pregnant with my little boy again, to have the knowledge I have gained now to make them deliver Ryker early, to give him a chance to survive. I know wilful wishing doesn’t do anything. Actions speak louder than words and that nothing will change the outcome or the past. But wishful thinking has always been my strong point.

I see pregnant women doing things they aren’t meant to be doing like smoking and drinking, and yet I did everything possible to make sure my son was healthy. I quit smoking cold turkey, I stopped drinking completely. I even gave up coffee and coca cola. I didn’t eat soft cheese, or cold cut meats. Heck I even avoided everything that could possibly have seafood in it (allergy to shellfish) just in case it contained any aspects of shellfish in it. I only ate healthy food’s and eliminate anything unhealthy. I exercised until I was put on bed rest at 28 weeks (They thought my water’s had broke and wanted to make sure nothing went wrong). I still did slight exercise after that. Sure I worked a lot before 28 weeks but I made sure my baby and body was looked after. Even when people told me ‘It’s okay to have a drink,’ or ‘It’s just one beer,’ I refused for the health of my child. But now I see expecting mother’s every where doing the thing’s I avoided to bring a healthy baby into this world. And they will be the one’s bringing home their babies.

Maybe wishful thinking is really all this is, wishful thinking that something impossible can be changed. That a mere Twiggy stick had anything to do with Ryker’s death I severely doubt that it had any bearings at all, but to wish that I couldn’t have a Twiggy stick and turn the clock around is a thought I have a million times a day.


7 thoughts on “A Mere Twiggy Stick

  1. From experience of loosing twins at 28 weeks was one of the most painful..gut wrenching experiences I have ever lived through….however… We do heal…. We never forget them….the pain does ease..
    I had a incompetent cervix…my body could not take the weight of a fetus…
    Blamed myself for a really long time…again however someone told me the universe will not give you more than you can bear…I thought this BS at first but am a firm believer now….my heart aches with yours..may I carry some of the pain for you…blessed be…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ugh the smokers, drinkers, etc. It is so hard to watch them do those things while growing an innocent life inside them. You showed such strength and commitment to Ryker and I have no doubt it was felt. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    • They make me uncomfortable now. I’ll be near them and have to walk away. I just can’t deal with them. Because if I stay long enough near them I work myself up and just get really angry and want to yell at them… Fruatration levels go through the roof. X

      Liked by 1 person

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