Mother’s Day Done and Dusted

Mother’s Day has come and gone, yes I wept, and dreamt it would end sooner. I tried ‘change’ the day so it didn’t represent what I was missing, but what I had. I didn’t make it about not having Ryker here, I made the day about being a mother. I am a mother. I had to keep reminding myself today of all days, that I am a mother. And just because my son is not here doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve today too. I spent the day with a smile on my face. But that was probably because I refused to spend the day with anyone but my partner. No parents, no siblings, no friends and no strangers. It was us, because for this Mother’s Day that’s all that I wanted, to spend time with the man who makes me my strongest.11216130_10152994018788922_930046399_n

I woke up this morning to a ‘Happy Mother’s Day Baby,” it may have brought tears to my eyes, but it was a wonderful change to be actually acknowledged on a day like today. I was made breakfast in bed, and then pampered like a “real” Mother would be on a day like today. My partner even came on my ritual morning walk, which he refuses every other time I’ve ever asked him to come.

Through the day I received messages of “Happy Mother’s Day” from my friends and family, it’s a very unique feeling to still be in people’s thought’s on a day like today, when they should be thinking of their own mothers and children.

One of best friends and biggest support today made me feel ‘Part of the Crowd’, she left me a message on my facebook that lift my spirits with a heart-warming message for me. My younger sister messaged me. And I was tagged in numerous “Happy Mother’s Day” messages.

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I will admit, I have felt loved today. I have felt like I was still a mother today. I did not expect to feel this way today. I didn’t want to feel loved today. I didn’t want to feel wanted, I wanted none of it. To be honest I wanted to miserable all day. I hated feeling any ounce of happiness today. It was just a reminder of what should have been. I want to feel the pain to take away this happiness. The guilt of being happy, takes grief to a whole new level.

But I need to remind myself that Ryker would want a happy Mama, not a depressed, sad and angry Mama. And I am glad in some parts that today I smiled, that I embraced being an Angel Mama, because in ways, that is all I can do. Happy Mother’s Day to all Mother’s of every kind.

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5 thoughts on “Mother’s Day Done and Dusted

  1. Our mothers day was back in March and I felt it more rawly, I couldnt fully feel the joy that other mothers did because a name was missing from my card, I had 2 instead of 3 and my arms were oh so empty! You are doing well and its nice you have people that have still made the day special and acknowledged your mother title (and rightly so) HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to a strong, fabulous woman that will be doing her little one proud surviving and helping others through your experience x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Mary!
      I’m sorry you felt Mother’s Day so much, it must have been an emotional day for you. I know mother’s who had a horrible day yesterday, and just didn’t know what to do with themselves.
      I think if Mother’s Day had been earlier, I wouldn’t of accepted it as much, because it’s only recently I am starting to accept life again. Happp belated Mother’s Day to you too!
      Be kind to yourself Mama,
      Dneika X

      Like

  2. I’m so sorry you joined the Angel Mama club, it is a club where the admittance price is too high. You are a Mother/Mom/Mama whose child will always be with you.
    I’m so glad that you got the Mother’s Day treatment and loving attention. Your friends Facebook message is like a few I got from friends, who are closer to family than just the title of friend, that we’re kind and loving with their words.
    I am so sorry you lost your son and that there will always be difficult days and times. Please always remember you are a mother and deserve that title.
    I like to think our children play together with our loved ones who have gone home to Heaven and the best babysitter in all of creation, God. You will be in my prayers for comfort and strength.
    -Andrea

    Liked by 1 person

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