Mother’s Day has come and gone, yes I wept, and dreamt it would end sooner. I tried ‘change’ the day so it didn’t represent what I was missing, but what I had. I didn’t make it about not having Ryker here, I made the day about being a mother. I am a mother. I had to keep reminding myself today of all days, that I am a mother. And just because my son is not here doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve today too. I spent the day with a smile on my face. But that was probably because I refused to spend the day with anyone but my partner. No parents, no siblings, no friends and no strangers. It was us, because for this Mother’s Day that’s all that I wanted, to spend time with the man who makes me my strongest.
I woke up this morning to a ‘Happy Mother’s Day Baby,” it may have brought tears to my eyes, but it was a wonderful change to be actually acknowledged on a day like today. I was made breakfast in bed, and then pampered like a “real” Mother would be on a day like today. My partner even came on my ritual morning walk, which he refuses every other time I’ve ever asked him to come.
Through the day I received messages of “Happy Mother’s Day” from my friends and family, it’s a very unique feeling to still be in people’s thought’s on a day like today, when they should be thinking of their own mothers and children.
One of best friends and biggest support today made me feel ‘Part of the Crowd’, she left me a message on my facebook that lift my spirits with a heart-warming message for me. My younger sister messaged me. And I was tagged in numerous “Happy Mother’s Day” messages.
I will admit, I have felt loved today. I have felt like I was still a mother today. I did not expect to feel this way today. I didn’t want to feel loved today. I didn’t want to feel wanted, I wanted none of it. To be honest I wanted to miserable all day. I hated feeling any ounce of happiness today. It was just a reminder of what should have been. I want to feel the pain to take away this happiness. The guilt of being happy, takes grief to a whole new level.
But I need to remind myself that Ryker would want a happy Mama, not a depressed, sad and angry Mama. And I am glad in some parts that today I smiled, that I embraced being an Angel Mama, because in ways, that is all I can do. Happy Mother’s Day to all Mother’s of every kind.