Guilty of Happiness

My guilt is not murdering someone, my guilt doesn’t include hating someone, my guilt is something pure and simple. Most people wouldn’t even call it a guilt. You see I am guilty of happiness, those rare and beautiful moments. When a real smile graces my face and my large blue eyes tend to twinkle with pleasure. My cheeks will blossom with a light pink, and laughter will bubble from my belly; most of the time the cause for this rare tranquillity is my partner and my puppy, but sometimes, it is my own love of life that brings these rare moments about.

A beam that hurts my cheeks, laughter that hurts my belly, and handsome days that make life seem so simple, the grass between my toes.11225925_10152994145953922_16844930_n

Life is at peace in these amazing moments, life is ‘normal’ in these beautiful moments. The lovely days make life bearable; blue skies with green grasses, butterflies and daisy’s run through your mind, and happiness flow’s through your veins.  But they never last. And when they disappear, the guilt comes along; guilt for being alive when my son is not, guilt for enjoying myself, joking and having a good time. I try to tell myself that is what Ryker would have wanted, a happy, laughing mother. But how do you convince yourself when you don’t believe it?

How can you convince yourself that happiness is not a curse? That happiness is what life is meant to be about when all you can ever think about is the misery that consumes your whole being?  Maybe 4 months is too early to figure this out, but maybe 4 months is the perfect time to figure this out. Whatever I feel I know there is a purpose, but maybe grief, guilt, self-hatred and even pure-love is all a lesson. A lesson I never wanted, but a lesson I will get.11212362_10152994144048922_1740188441_n


5 thoughts on “Guilty of Happiness

  1. It took me years to feel anything much after my mom died. I shut off the pain of grief and by doing so, the ability to feel the opposite swing of happiness. Being a zombie is not what we are meant to be.

    Being alive, and full of sensation, is exactly what we are meant to be. And incorporating the lows with the seemingly incompatible joys without losing your mind is the lesson that we all must face at some point. Over and over again.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, it’s a bit of a struggle, and I know it will take years/months before I fully accept I am allowed to be happy.
      I am glad you have been able to accept your happiness (If you have), and if you haven’t that’s ok too. There really is no time limit on grief, and the stages of grief really are different for each individual.
      Dneika X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Guilty of happiness,… Oh yes, I can relate too… At times, of course… And mainly that’s what we might call guilty pleasures… I liked reading your insights, very thought provoking and inspiring!…
    Best wishes to you. Aquileana ⭐

    Liked by 1 person

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