The Start of Something New?

I never wanted to be a mum until I fell pregnant with my son Ryker Jon. Pregnancy it’s self had not been a problem for me, but the ending result has made my life at present, to be put simply, hell.  You see the day my son was born was also the he left. Ryker Jon was stillborn at 40 weeks and 4 day on the 19th January 2015. It has nearly been 4 months, 4 month of agony and disbelief. I think I was numb for the first 2 months, I was able to leave the house and socialize, and yet that numbness left eventually and that’s when the real pain starts. Everyone has moved on. As simple as it is everyone needs to move on. Just because they have doesn’t mean you have, and trying to start a new life with the new ‘normal’ is hard. I don’t know how I am going to do it; I don’t know how I am living day-to-day most of the time. So this is my story of my grief and how I’m trying to heal. I don’t know how, but I need to start somewhere.Ryker Jon

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19 thoughts on “The Start of Something New?

  1. My heart aches for you. I don’t know you but I feel your pain in only a way that someone who has walked in your shoes can. My daughter Ava was stillborn at 40 + 2/3 and I delivered her at 41 weeks exactly. I found you on Instagram by accident. Maybe our babies ment for us to stumble across each other?! My daughter was born 25.2.12 so Ian much further into this horrible journey than you, but I’ve been where you are and your so brave to be blogging your journey. But it’s amazing amazing beautiful love filled painful heartbreaking journey that is such a gift to share. Be kid to yourself and I will keep reading. Thank you for sharing your babies story xx

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    • Thank you so much Tarni! Lately I feel as if my boy has led me to other grieving parents, mostly all through accident. Thank you for sharing your story on such a public domain, I know how scary it can be. Xx

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  2. So sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy 😦 even though my son was born sleeping too I often find I have no words for other angel mummies and daddies. Its just heart breaking. I wish you strength to get through and if you would like to add me on facebook and chat please be more than welcome xxxxx
    all my love. Laura.

    Search Laura Rose Clubb to find me on facebook, you’ve just followed me on tumblr in case you are wondering who I am xxxx

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    • Thanks Laura, I too struggle with words on their loss. But knowing someone is there to talk to is more comforting than any words are.
      I am sorry for your loss of your son. And if you ever need to chat or vent let me know. I am here for you too X

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  3. I’ve found your story through #mayweallheal. Sending you so much love and hugs from one angel mama to another. My boy Freddie was born via emergency section at 36 weeks on 29th Dec 2014 and died on 1st January. Your words are beautifully honest and I feel your pain acutely. Wishing you gentle days.
    Lizzy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Lizzy. I hope you have found a way to be yourself again, and if not just know that I am here for you if you need me, ever. Just let me know. I am so happy you got to spend a few days with Freddie, but I am also consumed with grief that you are on this journey. I wish we had come across each other in better circumstances.
      Stay strong Mama,
      Dneika X

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    • Thank you, that’s probably one of the most honest things anyone has said to me since losing Ryker, most people just say “I’m so sorry, with some reason it must have happened”, so thank you!

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  4. My heart aches for you. I too lost a newborn and I’ve never been the same since even though its been more than 30 years. God bless and keep you, and thanks for the follow at bpnursecom.

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    • Its a heart ache that lasts a lifetime. I too am sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, some say time heals all wounds, but this type you carry with you forever. X

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  5. Dneika-Condolences to you for your loss. 28 years ago my wife and I lost our first child during birth. His name was Samuel. We were blessed to have another child two years later. His name is Adam. He is 26 years old and happy in his life. But there is no rhyme or reason for a loss of this magnitude. It does no good to think how millions of people have lost children throughout time. Because this is your child. This is your life. The absolute heart break surpasses any pain I have ever had. But although I am Samuel’s father I cannot begin to imagine the feeling of loss my wife experienced. I cannot. The cry of my wife when she awoke from anesthesia and learned Samuel had died is the worst sound I have ever heard. To this day it echoes in my head.

    Strangely when we lost Samuel many people encouraged us to move on and remove any reminders of him in our lives. We had prepared a nursery room for him. They said put it all away. We did not. We never regretted that. Samuel deserved that much from us.

    You must persevere. Why? I can’t say for certain. Only that you must carry on. Because you are alive and it seems as if you have a true heart and spirit. Ryker lives on in your heart. I know that is not enough. I wish for you courage, faith, hope and strength.

    Thank you for visiting my blog Sign Language For Clowns.

    Jeff N Falk
    Phoenix, Arizona

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jeff, I am so sorry for your loss of Samuel. I can not fathom how you have survived so long, when I can’t even begin to imagine how I am going to survive this first year. I welcome any advice you or your wife could give me in moving forward in my life, because I know I will never move on. I will forever have Ryker, just like you will forever be Samuel’s father. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, I will cherish Samuel as much as I cherish my own son Ryker.
      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and to reply with your story. I hate knowing that others before me have gone through such heartache and that others after me, will to endure this heartache.
      Thank you once again,
      Dneika

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  6. Dneika-

    Is it nothing all ye that pass by?
    Behold and see if there be any sorrow like my sorrow.
    Lamentations 1:12

    You and Tim must persevere. For Ryker. For yourselves.
    Do you what you feel you need to.
    Others will always have advice and tell you how to live.
    You must live your life for it IS yours. If life is indeed a
    gift, as some believe, then get on with it.

    Two days after Samuel died my wife was still in the hospital. She had had
    a c-section and needed to stay a little while longer. I had slept on the floor of
    her hospital room the first night. The second night she told me to go home
    and take a break. Reluctantly I went.

    I went for a run in a park near our home. Normally I enjoyed running. My path lit by streetlamps
    it was a sorry run. My heart was not in it. I was numb and worried for my wife. Worried for
    us. What were we going to do now?

    I sat at home on the couch in the dark. Turned the TV on to watch something, anything
    to take my mind off everything. A music video came on. It was Crowded House singing
    Don’t Dream It’s Over. I watched it. It seemed like a message but from where? Didn’t matter.
    It was strangely encouraging. I have never believed in omens good or bad. Life is an omen.
    I am not an optimist even on good days. But there was a glimmer. I could feel it.

    There are no books to to tell you what to do next. There are no books to say what you must feel.
    Actually there are books that say that. But the books also said that we would divorce within
    a year or two. It was just what happened. In the end we never found any books to be particularly
    helpful for us in those times. Some may. But we did not.

    Look for encouragement and hope where you can find it. It might come to you in unexpected ways. Grieve as you must. Get angry at this my mystery called life which humanity, through
    all it’s striving has never been able to decipher.

    Annie and I were left with each other. And so we helped each other get through it until things got
    better.

    You must persevere.

    Jeff
    Phoenix

    Liked by 1 person

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