Know Thy Enemy; Emotions

Emotions are my enemy. Some days I can be carefree and happy. Other’s I’m a moody cow that’s about to breakdown and cry.

I guess that’s my new ‘normal’ being an emotional wreck. The days that I’m ‘good’ I really am good. I can socialise see babies and pregnant women unfortunately those days are actually really rare for me. I always seem OK to the average person, I don’t seem like I’m upset or about to breakdown but in reality someone saying the wrong thing to me will set me off.  But when the days are good, I do remember my son, he really is never out of my mind. I think, dream and wish about him nearly every second that I am breathing.

And then there are the not so good days.

The leaving the house and having an anxiety attack, seeing a baby about the same age as Ryker, or the best one yet going on to Facebook and seeing all the ungrateful (That is how I see them) mothers complaining about their children and not being able to go out with their friends. That really is my favourite, it not only upsets me, it infuriates me. You see most of the time they are the same people who tell me I should be over my grief, or say very insensitive comments, most of the time it’s because they have not experienced any type of loss, so its ignorance at its best. I would not wish this upon anyone so in ways I am glad that they are ignorant, but sometimes I just wish that they would use their brains, and not be so insensitive. And sadly it is not just ‘friends’ that are insensitive its also ‘family’ (But that is for another day).

But my emotions can go from happy, angry, sad, depressed, and lonely and then back to happy within minutes. 4 months on and they are still a mess. I have days when no emotions will surface and I will be a zombie (I’m working on those days) they tend to be the days when I’ve cried myself to sleep the night before. But I well and truly need a break from my own emotions believe me.But then there is the emotion I dread the most; heartbreak. This one comes in waves. And when it hits, it hits hard. I suffocate and drown in my own sorrow that I don’t know how to pull myself up half the time. How do you rescue yourself when your own mind betrays you? You go to pull yourself up out of the water and then “BAM” it hits you that little bit harder. All the improvement you’ve made gets pulled back down into the deep. You make it out slowly, but you’re on edge waiting for the next wave. You know it will hit and it always does, harder than the last. So each time you get hit it’s harder to and harder to pull yourself up. Sometimes you need a helping hand. And sometimes you just need to struggle by yourself.

How do you explain these emotions to someone who has no idea what you are going through? Someone who cannot even fathom the loss of a child, let alone a baby, or an idea? It go’s beyond reason that it is impossible to do it.

I may dwell on this, but I am only at the beginning of my journey. It is a grieving parents right to dwell and suffocate; and until you are in my position or of any position of a loss that includes miscarriages, SIDS, child loss, infertility you will not know that pure helplessness to your own emotions.  I have not yet learned the trick to turn myself off or to turn my brain off. But when I do I will let the world know. That will be one of my biggest accomplishments.

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6 thoughts on “Know Thy Enemy; Emotions

  1. Your words are truth to me. I know about those waves of emotion and there are days when I feel absolutely bipolar, and like the best part of me died when my son did. Everyone’s grief journey is so different, it’s hard to promise how long it takes for each person to find their way in this new, awful “normal.” I kept feeling like even those who’d lost their babies didn’t understand in the beginning… But 10+ months into this terrible path, I can say that your good days start to increase in number, you still have some terrible days (and that’s okay), and even though the whole in your heart shaped like Ryker will never be filled by anyone nor anything else, the hole will start to be supported by new “muscle” that will keep it from collapsing in on itself and destroying you. I’m not sure why or how this happens but that’s what I’ve experienced. I think it’s that I contemplate what I would want for my son if I had been the one who died instead (and oh, how I’ve wished this many times). Would I want his joy to completely wither, to never bloom again, ever? And then I realize that he loves me as much as I love him and he’d never want that for me, in the same way I’d never want that for him. So I go in breathing… For him. And I take one, hard step forward at a time…for him. And it’s okay to take a few terrible stumbles and become immobile for a period. It’s all about forgiving yourself when you can’t be more. And struggling to forgive others when they can’t be more. I wish for peace for you, for more “good” days, and please know you are not alone. We may be singing slightly different tunes but our melancholy songs are in harmony in our grief…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am sorry you know what this grief is. I really am. I agree we all grieve diffrrently and yet the same, and I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. It nice to know your not alone in your journey, and yet I wish you weren’t. X

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Grieving is different for everyone and you are really raw in yours. I just want to encourage you that time does help but you never forget. After 12 years I still have my moments of sadness, crying, and desire to have my little girl in my arms. Grieving for you time wise might be different then everyone else and that’s ok don’t let any tell you you should be done. People need a little bit of grace through this too they just want you to be back to your old self when they don’t realize that you will never be that person again. Nobody will ever know how it feels to lose your baby. I can sympathize with you cause I lost mine but I will never know it feels to lose yours. Allow yourself to feel that is part of the healing process never shut it off. I will pray for you in this time of loss!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My heart is with you in your grief. We lost a grandbaby who was born 4 months too early. Those emotions really can be devastating, but the deep grief is also evidence of your immense capacity for love. Keep at it.
    Cynthia

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry for the loss of your Grandbaby, I know my own mother took the loss of her Grandchild hard, and I know you feel it too.
      Be kind to yourself,
      Dneika X

      Like

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