Emotions are my enemy. Some days I can be carefree and happy. Other’s I’m a moody cow that’s about to breakdown and cry.
I guess that’s my new ‘normal’ being an emotional wreck. The days that I’m ‘good’ I really am good. I can socialise see babies and pregnant women unfortunately those days are actually really rare for me. I always seem OK to the average person, I don’t seem like I’m upset or about to breakdown but in reality someone saying the wrong thing to me will set me off. But when the days are good, I do remember my son, he really is never out of my mind. I think, dream and wish about him nearly every second that I am breathing.
And then there are the not so good days.
The leaving the house and having an anxiety attack, seeing a baby about the same age as Ryker, or the best one yet going on to Facebook and seeing all the ungrateful (That is how I see them) mothers complaining about their children and not being able to go out with their friends. That really is my favourite, it not only upsets me, it infuriates me. You see most of the time they are the same people who tell me I should be over my grief, or say very insensitive comments, most of the time it’s because they have not experienced any type of loss, so its ignorance at its best. I would not wish this upon anyone so in ways I am glad that they are ignorant, but sometimes I just wish that they would use their brains, and not be so insensitive. And sadly it is not just ‘friends’ that are insensitive its also ‘family’ (But that is for another day).
But my emotions can go from happy, angry, sad, depressed, and lonely and then back to happy within minutes. 4 months on and they are still a mess. I have days when no emotions will surface and I will be a zombie (I’m working on those days) they tend to be the days when I’ve cried myself to sleep the night before. But I well and truly need a break from my own emotions believe me.But then there is the emotion I dread the most; heartbreak. This one comes in waves. And when it hits, it hits hard. I suffocate and drown in my own sorrow that I don’t know how to pull myself up half the time. How do you rescue yourself when your own mind betrays you? You go to pull yourself up out of the water and then “BAM” it hits you that little bit harder. All the improvement you’ve made gets pulled back down into the deep. You make it out slowly, but you’re on edge waiting for the next wave. You know it will hit and it always does, harder than the last. So each time you get hit it’s harder to and harder to pull yourself up. Sometimes you need a helping hand. And sometimes you just need to struggle by yourself.
How do you explain these emotions to someone who has no idea what you are going through? Someone who cannot even fathom the loss of a child, let alone a baby, or an idea? It go’s beyond reason that it is impossible to do it.
I may dwell on this, but I am only at the beginning of my journey. It is a grieving parents right to dwell and suffocate; and until you are in my position or of any position of a loss that includes miscarriages, SIDS, child loss, infertility you will not know that pure helplessness to your own emotions. I have not yet learned the trick to turn myself off or to turn my brain off. But when I do I will let the world know. That will be one of my biggest accomplishments.