Dreams Too Vivid

Staring down in my hands the bright positive looked up at me, and then I looked at 2 more tests and the same thing, bight positives are on those ones too. I stand up and go to call Tim. Then I am awake. My alarms are going off and I know I had to go buy a pregnancy test, this had been the first pregnancy related dream I had since I was last pregnant. Monday 3rd October 2016, I took that pregnancy test just like I did in my dream and guess what positive.

Happy, excited, nervous and completely worried was how I felt at that time, I mean who wouldnt feel that way? We went to the doctors that day got my blood tests and booked my ultrasound, which would happen on Tuesday 11th October. Now let me tell you the struggle of even getting a ultrasound at the moment; everyone and I mean everyone was completely booked out until the next roster. I only managed to get an appointment because someone had cancelled 20 minutes before I had called. I was felling pretty good about the pregnancy. 

Another little story for that day, the pathologist we saw, well where do I start? Tim and I went in, sat and waited for my turn, I finally got called to the back, I gave the lady my paper work and she went through all my details and got everything ready; the first 2 attempts she couldn’t get blood, thats normal for me, most people struggle, anyway on the 3rd attemp no success, so she goes to send us to another lady, this is where it goes bad. She goes to her desk and says ‘Wheres my phone?’ I havent moved from taking my blood and Tim was sitting behind her the hole time no where near the desk at all, but she starts going off on the rant and on about how she has to call the police, but she hasnt even looked around on her desk. She hasn’t moved a single thing on her desk, but she is going about how she will be calling the police. While I am completelly flabbergasted at what the hell is happening, Tim infront of the lady emptys his pockets and shows her he doesnt have it, but because the lady doesnt believe him she goes on how if he just gives her the phone she wont call the police. Now at this point Im starting to get really annoyed, she still hasnt even looked at her fucking desk properly, she just completely started going off at Tim, so Tim stands up and goes to the desk and moves my paperwork and what do you see, her fucking phone. Tim got one apology. I may have loat my patience while all this was happening and told the lady we will see someone else. And so we did. I didnt wait around for more apologies, even thoug Tim was already trying to comfort the lady and telling her it was ok. But it wasnt. She looked at her desk didnt see her phone and started yelling, instead of moving some paperwork around and seeing that it was underneath. 

That I thought was going to be the highlight of my month. 

Thee week passed by really slowly, we started getting the house perfect for a rent inspection that is happening soon, and I just worried and fused. We decided to call our baby Jelly and we both started to bond with the baby, I was already attached and so was Tim, he would kiss my belly and talk to Jelly, joke with dog about Jelly, and everything was going perfect. Then the night before the ultrasound finally came. I was a nervous wreck, as Tim and I layed in bed that I night I voiced my fears for the first time; what if there is no heart beat, what if its ectopic, what if its already passed, all these what ifs, if only I had known this worry was for naught. 

The big day finally arrived. I went to work with an extra step of happiness, I went to the bathroom at about 7am, there was a pink spot, thats normal I thought, I carried on with my day like normal. 

9am I went to the toilet again, brown blood this time. I started feeling a little funny, so I messaged Tim.

11am, full red blood, and blood clots. I left work early and called Tim. 

We went to my doctor and he ordered more bloods and told me to continue with my ultrasound. I got my bloods taken (different place, different lady) and it was about time to go to the ultrasound. We waited about 30 minutes for our appointment, and we where finally in. She put the ultrasoound on and from that moment we all knew, there was no sign of life, there was no sign of Jelly. She started going on abojt how it might be too early, but I had already told her about the blood clots, and the look in her eyes told another story. 

It all hit me then, this was dejavu I had had this dream all the night before. This exact dream, and now it was all coming true. 

We went home, we have another doctors appointment today at 3:30 but considering the amount I have been bleeding since then, there is nothing they can do, and I am positive that they are juat going to tell me everything I already know. 

This may sound harsh, it hurts and I have been crying since I got home, but I know I can get through this, because this pain is know where near the pain I have felt. Its still my pain, its still Tims pain, but we can get through this pain of our miscarriage as a family. However weird this family is, because it seems only some people recongnise my family, the others just see 2 adults, 1 dead baby, and now 1 dead embryo. 

Down The Rabbit Hole, and Back Up Again.

I fell down the rabbit hole. In my process of grieving, I turned I’m ok, into a lie even I believed. It’s not that I’m not ok, but I am very far away from being ok. Yet, I started believing the lie that I was fine, I repeated it so many times, whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, I would automatically smile and say with confidence and conviction that even I believed it, that I am ok, doing great. 

Telling people that I was ok, seemed to easy them. To make them happy. Sometimes thats all I really wanted, was to be happy, and show everyone it is ok, fine and even great to be happy around me. That it is a good thing for everyone to talk and the conversation to not be tainted with saddness just because I am there, and some how just telling people I was ok, made it happen. To the point people stopped asking how I was. They fully allowed themselves to be them, around me. Without the side stepping, the avoiding questions, the not mentioning certain things, the keeping conversations quick and not really meaningful. I bought into my own lie along the way though. 

I dont know when it happened. All I know is that it happened. 

Ryker is still in my thoughts everyday, I still hold and cuddle his urn every evening before I go to bed, I still havent changed his room. I came out of my rabbit hole, picked myself up, and have started wondering how I fell. I don’t recall when I fell, I only know that I have seen through facade I have built. The masquerade has been slain and put to rest.

No one pitied me anymore, no one pities me now. Thats all I could ever ask for. I never wanted the pity, the saddness, or even the sorrys. I want and need people to be themselves. But how can I ask that of them, when even I could so easily fall into my deception?